Come To My Anti-Super-Bowl Party

By | February 5, 2012
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For one brief but ugly moment last week I deserted the cynic inside me. I left the comfort of cynicism intoxicated by the sweet poison of hope. Don’t worry. I’m back in full vigor now. No more rose-colored glasses for me. There is comfort in cynicism. I have my blankie back. I am my old cynical self again.

This Sunday is “Super Bowl Sunday”. I notice that restaurants and some stores in my little town are closing early because of it. I find it odd that Bob Evans, which closed at 8:00PM on Christmas Eve, is closing at 7:00PM on Super Bowl Sunday. The sign on the door says “We will be closing at 7:00PM on Sunday, February 5, 2012 for the Super Bowl.” The store where I buy my daily newspaper also has a sign on its door. The sign reads: “We will be closing at 8:00PM on Sunday, February 5, 2012 for the Super Bowl.” That store closed at 10:00PM on Christmas Eve. You have to love this.

The USA is tumbling headlong into a full-fledged Depression (capital “D” indeed) yet every grocery store I’ve visited has aisles full of chips, beer, pop and snacks all presented in a gala “Super Bowl Party” settings. Festive banners and ribbons and streamers abound. No one would ever guess the USA was in deep economic hot water or fighting in two wars. Unemployment is skyrocketing; financial markets are collapsing; people are being tossed out of their foreclosed homes in record numbers; factories and businesses are closing. “What me worry?”

Restaurants in my town are closing early, because it seems they think that everyone will be home eating pizza rolls, pizza, sandwiches, and drinking beer? What about me? Or are the using the Super Bowel as an excuse to send employees home early and save a few bucks on those outrageous minimum wage salaries?  I am not going to watch the Super Bowl. I might want to go out to eat after 7PM or buy a newspaper after 8PM. I have no choice but to sit home and brood. One thing for sure I will not watch the Super Bowl or care what the score is — or who won.

Whatever network is carrying the game is off the air from 12:00 noon until 12:00 midnight as far as I’m concerned. Did you hear that coverage of the game starts at 12:00 noon Eastern Time? Guess when kickoff is? Kickoff is at 6:28PM. Guess when the game will end? I’m guessing somewhere around 10:30PM. You know they have a lot of high-dollar commercials to squeeze in. Lots of “TV timeouts”. The last time I watched a football game on TV, my beloved Ohio State Buckeyes versus The Texas Longhorns in the “Fiesta Bowl”, the commercials were so long I almost forgot what was going on in the game. The Buckeyes didn’t prevail though. They lost but…

All this hoopla over a football game between two teams from the same league who’ve played before? The NY Giants versus the New England Patriots — a team so big they take up an entire region. Those two teams are playing, right? And this is a big game; why? Because it’s a city (albeit a big one) against a whole region?

People are paying hundreds of dollars, even thousands of dollars, for tickets to the Super Bowl. In case you want to go, you can’t –it’s sold out. Companies are paying tens of millions of dollars to advertise during the Super Bowl. People are spending their last dollars on junk food, beer, and soda pop for their “Super Bowl Parties” yet we’re on the cusp of a Depression? We must look like fools to the rest of the world. We have become a bunch of infantile whiners who complain about losing our jobs and our homes while we spend money we  supposedly don’t have on potato chips, Fritos, Pepsi, chip dip, Miller Lite, Bud Lite, and other nutritious foods that build strong bellies twelve ways. It’s important to have a Super Bowl Party and sit a around a 52″ plasma TV – it’s only $88.00 a month – and guzzle alcohol while unabashedly engaging in gluttonous revelry. All because why? Becuase the Pittsburgh Steelers are playing the Arizona Cardinals? It doesn’t seem very fair, does it? A city against a whole state? Tomorrow those same revelers will be complaining they don’t have they money to pay their mortgages or buy gas for the SUVs. Will you feel sorry for them?

One more thing…

If you’re one of those people who don’t care about football but are going to watch it for the commercials, let me tell you something. Those commercials cost millions of dollars per minute. Do you think Budweiser, PepsiCo, and the other advertisers are actually paying for those? Really? They’re not, you know. You’re paying for those. Every dollar they spend gets figured into their cost of doing business and when the cost gets too high and their profits get too low they’ll raise the price of their products and you’ll end up paying that price. So laugh at the commercials if you want. Just remember, in the end, those companies are going to stick it to you and they’ll have the last laugh. Take a look at how much PepsiCo paid in bonuses to their executives last year. Still laughing? If you really want to laugh and save time, just visit www.youtube.com the day after the game. You can watch all the commercials there without sitting through 3 1/2 hours of over-hyped football. You can even watch YouTube videos while you chomp on chips and swill beer. I know. I’ve done it.

If there is anyone else out there who isn’t taken in by all the hyperbole — you folks in NY and New England are excused — you’re welcome to come to my Anti-Super Bowl Party. It starts at 7:00PM. At 8:00PM I’m going to insert a DVD movie into my old DVD-player and watch “Ground Hog Day”. I’m having snacks too. You can have your choice of salad or you can choose one of my Lean Cuisine frozen dinners. If you get the munchies, I have pretzel rods. And, I have beer and I think there is some wine left over from Christmas – you can have your choice. I didn’t buy any extra food, munchies or beverages for my Anti-Super Bowl Party. I will eat the stuff I already have. If I run out, you’ll just have to settle for the movie on my little 25″ LCD TV. No 52″ plasma TV here. I have plenty of coffee and water though. So if you get thirsty and the beer and wine are gone, you can have your choice between coffee or water. You won’t go thirsty at my Anti-Super Bowl Party. I might have a few jelly donuts too. Don’t complain though – when they’re gone, they’re gone. But—don’t come early just for the jelly donuts. I will not answer the door before 7:00PM. I probably won’t be dressed properly until then.

The movie should be over by 9:45, so you’ll get home in plenty of time to get some sleep so you can get up for work the next morning. We don’t have any “post movie” interviews scheduled. We don’t have any camera crews in the locker room of the ground hog. When the movie is over, you’ll be expected to leave without delay. By 10:00PM I’ll be ready for bed – bleary eyed and sleepy. You can only come to my Anti-Super Bowl party if you promise to leave right after the movie is over. We’re not going to sit around and talk or pretend to enjoy each other’s company. I’ll be hospitable as long as you’re quiet during the movie and don’t complain about the food. You can have all you want to drink but if I run out, you’ll either have to leave or go without. It’s the best I can do. We’re on the verge of a Depression here, and I am not going out to buy a bunch of junk just because you’re coming to my Anti-Super Bowl Party. If my party sounds like a great evening to you, you’re my kind of person.

Party hearty!

16 thoughts on “Come To My Anti-Super-Bowl Party

  1. RJR

    What a vivid, imaginative and enjoyable read.

    “lmao” no actually “lmaobntlsatnwutn”

    (laughing my a-s off but not too loud so as to not wake up the neighbors)

    Reply
  2. judy

    Count me in on it if I manage a flight ticket. On second thought, do I care since I can have my own Anti Super bowl here. LOL

    Reply
  3. ML

    Thanks, TC! I’ll be there at 7, your time, but only if I can walk there from Texas, if I leave now, and I have NO idea what your address is… Okay if I bring ice tea?

    Reply
  4. Sharon

    Right on! long walk from canada,eh 🙂
    Just a thought, perhaps if we paid more attention to the “reason for Christmas” and paid it as much respect as we do our “entertainment” our countries would be much economic,humanatarian shape!

    Reply
  5. SLD

    If it’s all the same to you, I think I’ll just stay home and eat some rice and beans with my cat and watch Law & Order til I fall asleep. But thanks for the invite TC!!!

    Reply
  6. Virginia Mayor

    TC You hit the nail on the head as the saying goes. Wonderful! Great article!

    Reply
    1. June Brychka

      My kind of guy!!!We have the “Grey Cup” hoopalo in Canada too..And the Stanley Cup(hockey) where everyone rioted, torched police cars..broke store windows & left with an armful of loot. I promise I’ll leave on time, so you can get your act together for the next Premium News letter..June

      Reply
  7. Myrna

    Ditto! I agree with everything you said. Great article and sooooooo true.

    Reply
  8. Marilyn

    Loved your article. No money to pay bills, but can live it up for a Super Bowl party!

    Reply
  9. S.M. Corbin

    Your Anti-Superbowl Party sounds great!
    I join you in your utter dismay over the Superbowl Hoopla! Americans are becoming more and more like sheeple. We simply go along as we are told (or expected to do).
    The unchallenged fact that sports figures, actors/actresses make obscene amounts of money clearly identifies our priorities. Those who are essential to our society — Teachers, Fire and Police Officers, Medics, Social Workers, etc. — can only dream of ever making a portion of the salary paid to those who “entertain” us. It really is a very strange world!
    You are so right about those expensive Superbowl commercials too. Rather than let that expense interfere with their profits, they will, most certainly, pass along the cost for the commercials by raising the prices of their products. Oh wait. They can probably count all of it off (or most of it) as some sort of “advertising” expense! The present trend is for U.S. citizens to pay more and more and receive products that are smaller and smaller. Greed Rule #1: Charge more for less product!
    May you have a marvelous time at your Anti-Superbowl Party! God bless you! And, thanks for the invitation — wish I could be there.

    Reply
  10. John in Oz

    Come to Australia TC…..Join the ‘Had a Gutful of Rugby Cricket Golf Tennis’ club.

    Regards,
    John in Oz.

    Reply
  11. Anne

    Sounds good to me TC. My husband has been watching the Super Bowl, and already fallen asleep on it. As for me I got on the computer, although there are 2 other TV’s in the house. The only time I’m interested in watching football is when the Michigan Wolverines are playing. If I had come to your party I would have only drank the coffee, so I’m not hard to please. Hope your party went well as the movie is almost over.

    Reply
  12. Harold

    I did watch the game had pizza and a beer, guess I am one of the few that really has the guts to admit it to all of you , I did not go over the limit with a lot of junk but it was a good Sunday , I did like all of your remamks.

    Reply
  13. Irene

    I actually enjoyed the game TC and yes we bought a 22$ pizza for supper and enjoyed a glass of wine. It is the only game on our calendar where we do this. Here in Canada we have the Grey Cup, (no pizza no wine, and of course the Stanley cup (which we do not). But I did find your resume quite interesting and true. (Recession has not really hit us yet but when it comes in full swing I will go to your party with an early start, cause walking to your part of U.S. will be long). But TC yep I understand the thing about all of us (even Canadians) paying for those ads, but what about bringing back all those jobs we forked over to China, Pakistan and other countries. U.S. & Canada can certainly manufacture much of what is sent to these countries and stop the recession “dead cold”. Thanks TC for the smart resume. Irene

    Reply
  14. Carol

    GOOD FOR YOU.
    First time I could hold my thoughts long enough and read your whole rant in full.
    If they used the money from just a couple of the commercials or a couple of the outrages amounts they pay players in any of the sports it would bail out all the counties and schools in and then some.

    Reply
  15. Bruce

    PHEW, TC, what a read, do you feel better Lad? We can’t have you raising your blood pressure!
    We had a similar THING here in New Zealand last year, “THE RUGBY WORLD CUP”.
    There are a few US Citizens who have heard of the game, must have, ’cause ya hadda team here. One team, from at least 20 other countries.
    Now this ws a Nation-wide tournament, YUP, from top to bottom of the country, for a “WHOLE 6 WEEKS”, [not 1 afternnoon]. Tickets sold from $70 to $1300 ‘a seat’ [1 game], there were over 20 games????
    Can you imagine the JUNK FOOD we could ‘stick away’ in this period?
    Rugby – played on a similar shape and sized paddock to ‘Grid Iron’ not so much paint on the grass, has similar stick things each end, 15 blokes a side play 40 minutes each way and nobody wears HELMETS OR ANY PADDING. You got it, flesh on flesh.

    I watched music channels and stuff on the ‘tele’ I would never watch, BUT I did not indulge in ‘BAD FOOD’.
    6 weeks was to long to have an ‘anti-party’, I know 70% of this little country would have banged my door down if I had even whispered this.

    Great chuckle TC, your best ‘rant’ yet. OH we did see some of the ADs and highlights, not that I undestand Grid Iron.

    Reply

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