Who doesn’t like to mess around with publishing programs? They’re fun. You can make flyers, letterhead, posters, business cards, etc. with a publishing program. And even if you don’t have business – let’s say you’re retired; with a publishing program you can pretend you have a business.
Let’s say your name is Floyd Merkle. And let’s say you like midget horses. Why not, right? The look like dogs with saddles, cute. They’re very expensive. So you, Floyd, don’t have any money, save for the Social Security you get every month, and a small stipend for being a Clorox tester (are your socks brighter and whiter, Floyd?).
You’re retired and you’re sick of walking up on down your street every day looking for dimes and quarters on the sidewalk. You need something to make you feel important, worthwhile, invigorated. You’re tired of going to flea markets with Donna, playing poker with the boys and coming home stewed, watching reruns of “Leave it to Beaver”. You’re tired of being retired – and you’ve only been retired for two days.
Here’s what you do, Floyd. You download today’s freeware pick called “SpringPublisher” and you create a fantasy business called Merkle’s Midget Horses and Fudge Shoppe”. (Always use two “p’s” and an “e” when naming a business “shoppe”; it’s classy. Yuppies love it. Yuppies have money. Get it?)
Fire up SpringPublisher and create letterhead. Drag a few horses over from SpringPublisher’s image gallery and stick them at the top. If you can find something that looks like fudge, stick it at the top too. Now find a font that hardly anyone can read. A swirly, fancy one. One that is so hard to read you have to put the name under it in some boring font like Arial, now type: Merkle’s Midget Horses and Fudge Shoppe. Save this conglomeration (officially called an image file) as your “logo”. All businesses need one. You can use your logo for your business cards too – although the fudge might be somewhat hard to define when you reduce those clumps to business-card size. That’s a good thing. You always want to keep people guessing what those little brown lumps are. Especially when there are horses right next to them.
Now print up about 500 letterhead and a few business cards. Now, on your new letterhead, fire off letters to every politician you can think of, and complain about everything you can think of. This will give you something to do, make you feel important, and make the politicians answer you. This will give you something else to do Plus, you’ll get an ego boost when you get a letter from The Speaker of the House, telling you how important small businesses are to our slagging economy.
Here’s some more good advice, Floyd: Don’t tweet pictures of yourself to women you don’t know. It’s bad for your marriage. Donna wouldn’t like it. That’s your wife’s name, right? However it might be good for your fantasy business. Many young women ooze affectionately over titles like CEO or COO or president. Make sure you have Floyd K. Merkle, CEO, on your letterhead and business cards. The little ladies go gaga over that kind of stuff. I mean you’re retired right? You have time, right? What’s Donna done for you lately, right? You gave her 40 years of your life, right? What did she make you for breakfast, right? When’s the last time she made you breakfast, right? What did she feed you last night, right? Some little chickie in Tuscaloosa likes you, right? Or does she just like you for your horses and fudge? It doesn’t matter, right? Don’t show Donna this, OK?
Before you can start your fantasy business, you’ll need to download our freeware pick “SpringPublisher”. You can make all the stuff mentioned above — but not fudge or midget horses, don’t be silly.
SpringPublisher is an excellent desktop publishing program. The freeware version does not allow you to download additional templates (it comes with a nice selection though – including horses and stuff you could possibly pass off as fudge). Also, the free version does not allow you to print your creations in high-resolution. If you want to do that kind of stuff, you’ll have to buy the “Pro” version. For a horse and fudge company, the freeware version is good enough, right?
Windows XP, Vista, Windows 7
32bit and 64 bit
2.1MB Windows Installer
What is it? Free desktop publishing software
Do you have a freeware program you love? Tell us about it!