I Love Spam!

By | April 29, 2011
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I’ve come to the point in my life where my brain is losing cells faster than my body can replace them. This leaves me particularly vulnerable to falling in love with strange things like watching “House” and reading spam. I find myself waking up in the morning and rushing to the computer (not even stopping by the coffee pot first) to see how much spam arrived over night. I am never disappointed. One thing I can count on, is oodles of spam and I’ve learned to love it so much!

Now, I know, you’re sitting there reading this in a state of disbelief! Horrified. Some of you might even be gaping aghast. I am aware that you are thinking what a pathetic man I am. You’re thinking that I’m so hard-up for entertainment that I’ve taken to watching “House” and reading subject lines from spam, just to get my jollies. But, think what you want! As my brain cells continue to rot at an ever-increasing pace, I am sure I will only get worse. And I am horribly aware that I might end up to be a babbling, drooling, old, loony maniac. But, let me tell those of you who think that’s what I am already – I just checked and there is not a drop of drool on my keyboard – and my t-shirt is not on backwards this morning. So, there! Today, at least, I am in perfect, working order.

Fun With Spam 101

One of the most fun things to do with spam is to read the subject lines, and if you have the stomach for it, to read the email itself. Many of your have weak stomachs or are the products of sterile, protected, childhoods, which prohibits you from reading spam content. But for those of you who share my wild, youth, and days of playing in a rock and roll band, nothing is too bizarre or weird. So, sometimes for fun (yes, it’s pathetic, I know) I pretend I’m going to answer to these spamming dweebs. I have so much fun doing it and that is a testament to how exciting my life really is. But, I do not want your pity. I prefer to live my fantasy life in peace and believe as I wish to believe -so save your pity for someone more deserving….

Anyway, as I’m so oft inclined to say, I thought I’d share with you a few of my favorite spam subject lines and some of my fantasy answers. Now, I would never really actually answer any spam email – for many reasons – not the least of which no spammer with a glimmer of a brain cell would ever use his or her real email address. They’re dweebs, but they’re not completely stupid.

Spam Email Fun!

All subject lines, names and spam emails below are real. Nothing has been changed to protect the guilty. Everything is just as I received it. It’s all here for your amusement.

Spam #1

Subject: Dear Customer Feel Good Now!
From: Kelly Hutchinson

Dear clients!

Only for you on this week the best prices for pharmaceutics at our store!

New action – “Hot Weekly Specials” – is under way expecting for you! Economize easily to 50% with us!!!

Profit by our cut rates now!!!

Sincerely yours,
On-line Druggists

Dear On-line Druggists,

I received the foregoing email from one of your representatives, Kelly Hutchinson.

First of all, my name is TC, not “Customer Feel Good Now!” It would be best if you addressed your prospective customers by some other name than “Customer Feel Good Now!”, don’t you think?

I thought you might like to know that either Ms. Hutchinson is on drugs (probably ones she stole from your pharmacy) or Kelly slipped through the cracks and ended up working in your marketing department. As you can see from the email she wrote, she doesn’t have a very good grasp on the English language. She sounds like she might be Lower Slobovian.

However I think she’s taking advantage of your pharmacy and helping herself to all the goodies you keep there. Perhaps you might want to consider some sort of disciplinary action. Her emails do not project a very professional image for your company.

Just thought you might like to know. I’m always looking out for reputable companies like yours who have inadvertently hired a few bad apples. I know you cannot keep some of them out, but I thought my bringing Kelly to your attention might be of benefit to you.

Drug companies are so important to our economy these days, I am getting to the age where drug companies might play an integral role in keeping me alive a little bit longer than otherwise might have been possible. So, it’s in my own best interest that I write to you and help you weed out employees that might give your fine company a bad name – and hasten your demise – and potentially mine.

Cordially,

TC

Spam #2

Subject: Keep all the girls really happy
From: “Milo F. Rosales”

Girls always giggled at me and even guys did in the public toilets!

(The rest of this email is censored. We have a family site you know!)

Hi Milo,

Over here in the states, we have separate toilets for men and women. So, it looks like you’ve sent this to me by mistake. I’ve never had a girl giggle at me in a public toilet.

And, it’s been so long since a girl giggled at me, anywhere, I can’t even remember what it’s like. It sounds like fun though. Thanks for reminding me pf what I’m missing. It really wasn’t something I needed to be reminded of this morning, Milo. Thanks! You ruined my day!

I really don’t think what you’re selling will work for me. I don’t think girls are going to giggle for me anymore in this lifetime. Sad, Milo, but true! When you reach my age you’ll understand, all too well, what I’m saying.

Good luck with your spamming business. Try to weed out older fellows like me in the future though. I don’t think too many of us still believe we can make girls giggle.

Your friend,

TC

Spam #3

Subject: Re: Photo
From: “Lori Witherspoon”

Hello! I am tired this afternoon. I am nice girl that would like to chat with you. Email me at (address removed by cloudeight) only, because I am writing not from my personal email. If you would like to see some of my pictures.

Lori

Dear Lori,

I’m an older dude, Lori. I think you sent this to the wrong guy. However it was a thrill getting an email from a strange woman. I always liked the name Lori. There was a girl in high school I knew named Lori and she was very pretty. I had a crush on her. You sure bring back good memories! You make me feel all warm and fuzzy!

And, Lori, I’d love to see your pictures, however at my age I’m not sure my enlarging heart could stand the excitement of them. You better not send them, OK?

Anyway, thanks for thinking of me, though, Lori. I wish you luck in your scheme to collect email addresses from all those stupid, younger guys with over-active hormones and no brains. Lucky for me, I am older and wiser than they and by now I’m darn near hormone-free!

Have a great afternoon!

Best regards,

TC

Spam #4

Subject: This is an experience like no other!
From: Alec Maloney

(This whole email is censored – sorry.)

Dear Alec,

I actually blushed when I saw what you were selling. I never knew this kind of stuff mattered to women. I guess I missed the boat on this one. Now I realize how far out-of-the-loop I really am. I had my suspicions that I was on the very edges of the loop – now you’ve made it clear I’m way out of it.

I would like to thank you, with all my heart, for letting me know how inadequate and naive I am. I will add your eye-opening information to my list of things that lower my self-esteem. Thanks for writing – but I’m too old for the kind of stuff you’re selling. I don’t have anyone who would appreciate it anyway, even if it did work like you promise (and I do have my doubts).

Good luck with your spamming career. I am sure there are millions young men out there eager and stupid enough to buy your product and make you wealthy. I I wish you lots of luck in your endeavors. Unfortunately I am no longer young or eager. I am not yet decided on stupid. I’m so sorry Alec – you wasted a perfectly good spam on me.

If you have any other products you’d like to show me, please feel to email me. I will happy to look over whatever else you have to offer. Please try to keep your email more appropriate for family sites like mine. I really would have liked to publish your letter but I couldn’t because we want to keep our “G” rating. Please tone down your language a bit, OK? EB was really upset with you. Me? Not so much.

Best regards,

TC

Spam #5

Subject: Olny this 5 days special price on pharma for you dear customer
From: “Jerrod Cope”

Hello!!!

Particular proposal for you Dear Customer!!! Only at these five days for your clients incredible discounts!!! On all pharmaceutics you require!!!

Fill your life with colors of merriment!!!

Dear Jerrod!!!!

Looks to me like you need to spend a little more time in school polishing up your English!!! Your spelling is awful and your grammar is even worse than mine!!!

What the heck do I want with “pharma” anyway. What is it? We have a town here in Ohio called Parma. It’s a nice little Polish community!!! They have great Kielbasa and perogies in Parma!!! Tons of nice Polish restaurants!!! You’d love it!!!! You should visit Parma sometime!!! It’s very close the Cleveland airport too – very convenient for you since you’ll be flying in from Bulglodonia or whatever third-world dump you come from!!!!!

I see you really love the exclamation point!!! You think it makes everything you have to say exciting, don’t you????

Jerrod, you have no idea how much I’d love to fill my life with colors of merriment – if I only knew what that meant!!!!! I can only imagine euphoria!!!! I don’t see any euphoria in my future though. I’m too cynical to hold out much hope of that!!!! You’re not really selling LSD are you????

Sorry, Jerrod – no matter what you’re selling, I would never buy anything from someone who uses all those exclamation points!!!!! Besides, I’ve never been a customer of yours!!! Did you send this to the right guy?????

Sincerely!!!!

TC!!!!!!

Spam #6

Subject: Hey Cutie, more friendly information from Elvira
From: “Elvira P. Carson”

(Elvira’s email was a bit on the risqué side. Actually she was attempting to sell me male pharmaceutical products. There wasn’t much fit in her email to print in a family publication. Use your imagination.)

Dear Elvira,

I want to tell you that your email really got my blood pumping. When someone named Elvira calls an old coot like me “cutie” it really gives me goosebumps.

Too bad you really didn’t mean it. You don’t really care about me Elvira, do you? You only wanted to sell me “male pharmaceuticals” for which, sadly, I have no need.

I’m sad now, Elvira. At first I really thought you meant what you said. Darn, I was so excited that some young chick named Elvira called me cutie. Shame on you, Elvira. I could have had a heart attack!

Good luck with your sales career though. I’ve never been one to hold grudges.

Best of luck,

TC

PS: Could you please enclose a picture of yourself next time?

There is nothing I like better than to imagine these little scumballs sitting at their computer sending out zillions of spam emails. I imagine their slimy, little bodies, covered with sweat, rubbing their hands together; visions of U.S. Dollars dancing through their crusty, mindless, heads. They really are a bunch of sick dweebs! But so lovable!

And, by now, you’re all thinking (and I know you are) that I should get a life. I know. I know. But, I have a life, I really do. And spam is so much a part of it! I can’t help that I love spam. If you got as much as I do, you’d learn to love it too.

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