If I Were the King Of The Internet

By | January 11, 2018
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Our Little Rant by Eightball & Thundercloud
(From our Information Avenue Premium Edition Newsletter – August 13, 2004)

If I Were the King Of The Internet

Since Eightball’s on vacation this week I have proclaimed myself to be king of the Internet. Well, not really, but if I were there would be some changes.


All you scumbags who sit in your dank, cob-webby, clandestine computer labs and produce malware and worse: I give you fair warning. I am proclaiming a war on malware. Any company that produces malware and any advertiser who advertises in malware-infested advertising banners will be hunted down and vanquished from the Internet. If you’re not with us, you’re against us! I’ll wipe you and your ilk off the face of the Internet!

Visualizing Scumbags at Work

I can just see these pernicious, slimy miscreants creating little yellow smiley traps to lure any new netizen into their slimy little cesspool of endless popups, churning hard drives, hijacked search pages, irrelevant search results, broken browsers, and ultimately broken computers.

I can almost see them chortling about their latest “cute” gimmick to induce the uninformed user to download yet another scumware program. “Hey Al!” “I got it! Look at this cute little smiley face with the cheeks that puff in and out. Took me 20 minutes to make. This will make us millions. Think of all the computers we can ruin! This will suck them in like crazy!”. “Wow, that’s cute, Al. Good work. That’ll suck in another couple hundred thousand! Those dummies will fall for that one for sure!!”.


Everyone is now required to subscribe to InfoAve and a few other selected (I will select, thank you) newsletters. Everyone is required to make www.thundercloud.net/start/ their home page! Everyone is to be reminded by a big light bulb that would shine brightly each time they got ready to click a link to THINK BEFORE THEY CLICK! Everyone is required to use Emsisoft to protect them from the evil doers and malicious junk floating around the Internet.

It is fun being king of the Internet. But, alas, maybe I’ll proclaim myself king of the United States. Maybe even France would like us! Oui! Oui!

Anyway, if I were president (or better yet, king) the first thing I would want to see are those alien bodies …you know the ones they keep locked up and hidden somewhere; the ones they captured in Roswell? The ones they deny, but everyone knows exist? Hmmm show ’em to me. I wanna see… When I do I’ll show them to all of you!

“Hello?” “Yes, this is TC”. “You’re from where? The CIA?” “What did I do?” “HUH?”

Fortunately for all of you, Eightball will be back next week and my musings will be more lucid. (Do I hear a sigh of relief?)

All content is copyright ©2004 Cloudeight Internet.

Important Information about this “rant” 

This “rant” was originally published on August 13, 2004. It doesn’t seem possible that 14 1/2 years have passed since we wrote this. EB is not on vacation, she just wishes she was. However, you can be sure that the Internet is full of scoundrels who prey on the unsuspecting and the trusting. We hope that this reminds you all to always be vigilant whenever you download anything – or whenever you click a link. And never clicks links in emails unless you are absolutely sure you know and trust the sender. Never click links in emails that appear to be from financial institutions or credit card companies that ask you to change your password, verify your password, verify your account, etc. If you’re not sure, type the web address of your bank, credit card company, or financial institution directly in the address bar of your favorite browser… or just pick up the phone and call the financial institution or credit card company to verify.

Some of the terms in this rant have been “modernized”. Emsisoft was not around when this rant was written – or if they were we were not aware of them – so we’ve updated our recommend security software in this “rant”. Also, our start page was not around in 2004 (it was born in 2005). So, we changed our recommend browser home page to our start page. Other than that, we pretty much left it as it was written in August 2004.

We hope you have enjoyed looking back with us.

3 thoughts on “If I Were the King Of The Internet

  1. lynda

    Well I for one wish you were KING of all the internet for sure!
    Have a good night & week.

  2. Jeanne

    For all of us who know you two, you are the King and Queen of the Internet. We love you both.

  3. Ramona

    Hear ye, hear ye, this is my declaration!! You are the best King and Queen of the Internet. You are the most ethical, you are the most knowledgeable and the most concerned King and Queen and ye shall stay as my King and Queen forever and I thank you for all that you have taught we people ! Thank you for all that you do for us.


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