Report Claims 94% of Windows Users Are Suceptible to Various Calamities

By | March 6, 2017
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Calamity JaneReport Claims 94% of Windows Users Are Suceptible to Various Calamities

Hopkam Lewis Associates, a calamity research firm, disclosed in a report released on Friday, that 94% of all Windows will be victims of various calamities during the next 12 months.

According to Victor C. Nonarelnam, spokesman for Hopkam Lewis, about 95% of Windows users will experience a calamity within the next 12 months. Mr. Nonarelnam based his comments on a five-year study conducted by Harrold Andromica and Laura Jukifer, two lead researchers at Hopkam Lewis.

Stephen R. Digatasker, associate data researcher at Hopkam Lewis, listed in a public report this morning, some of the calamities that Windows users can expect to experience over the next 12 months:

Here are some of the calamities that nearly 94% of Windows users can expect in the coming twelve months along with the percentages of Windows users that will likely experience each listed calamity:

  • Caught In a Rain Storm 31%
  • Clogged Toilets 19%
  • Water Heater problems 16%
  • Housebound by Snow storms with over 12 inches of snow 9%
  • Minor cuts, scrapes, abrasions 42%
  • Cable television issues 16%
  • Internet connectivity problems (non-Windows related) 17%
  • Internet connectivity problems (Windows related) 3%
  • Dandruff 12%
  • Eyesight changes requiring new glasses
  • Overweight and put on a diet by a doctor 44%
  • Spoiled or rotten food found in pantry or refrigerator 6%
  • Undefined 92%

If you are a Windows user, Mel Skapolopolis, manager of Offsite Calamity Prevention for Hopkam Lewis, recommends that everyone using Windows use common sense and be reasonably alert when online. Mr. Skapolopolis also stated that he does not recommend installing any one-click fixers or 3rd-party Windows miracle wizard programs. He wishes all Windows users good luck.


You’ve probably guessed this is just a parody of some of  the “sky-is-falling” tech newsletters. We just wanted to see what kind of reaction we’d get if we started doing what some other computer newsletters do and use click-baiting headlines.

Don’t worry, we’re not going to start using ridiculous headlines or sink to sensationalism, but we wanted to see if we could do it! We should have saved this for April Fool’s Day, but then you might not have read it 🙂

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