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\nThe Melon\u00a0King<\/b><\/p>\n
Those of you living in big and sophisticated cities will be astonished to learn that those of us living in more-or-less rural areas of America, get all worked-up about summer festivals. It may seem sad to you, even pathetic, but, alas, it is true.<\/p>\n
So far, this summer, in my neck-of-the-woods, we\u2019ve had the Cherry Festival, the Strawberry Festival, The St. Alphonsus Festival, The St. Joseph\u2019s Festival, The\u00a0Bratwurst Festival, The Sweet Corn Festival,\u00a0The Blueberry Festival, and many\u00a0others, which I\u2019ve attended, but\u00a0have now forgotten.<\/p>\n
But, the Super Bowl of Festivals here in Ohio, happens this very weekend in beautiful downtown Milan, Ohio, where they will spend the entire weekend frolicking and celebrating! And the whole shebang is about melons. It\u2019s Melon Festival time, folks! Yes indeedy! The biggest festival of them all is right around the corner, and the whole area around here is all atwitter with excitement. I bet you never thought folks could get all worked up over melons, did you? We\u2019re all worked-up! Bring on the melons!<\/p>\n
I\u2019ve got melons on my mind, I tells ya!<\/p>\n
Everywhere I go, I see posters, billboards and signs (tacked to telephone poles) reminding me that this is the<\/b><\/i> big weekend. The weekend when the sleepy little village of Milan, Ohio (population 1445) comes alive with festivities to rival New Orleans, New York, San Francisco, San Antonio, and Miami. Swarms of jet-setters and party animals will descend on Milan this weekend to celebrate melons. They expect that over 100,000 revelers will fill the town square over the weekend \u2013 dancing, partying, and living it up \u2013 and all under the watchful eye of the much celebrated Milan Police Department (MPD) who oversee the biggest speed trap east of the Mississippi.<\/p>\n
Let\u2019s get the melons off our mind for just a minute and discuss this speed trap. Melons are big this weekend (no pun intended), but\u00a0the rest of the year, the only two things famous about Milan is that Thomas Alva Edison was born here (and quickly moved away), and the Milan speed trap.<\/p>\n
Yes it\u2019s one of the most efficient speed traps in the nation and it\u2019s run by the fine men and women of the\u00a0Milan Police Department. Since Milan has little industry, hardly any people and thus hardly any tax revenue, this speed trap raises much-needed funds that keep the city and its fifty antique shops going until another Melon Festival rolls around when the village will once again put on gala regalia, The village will be awash in melons and cash from hungry visitors who chow down on various and sundry (and expensive) festival-food \u2013 and park in No Parking zones ($50 fine, please!).<\/p>\n
By now, I\u2019m almost sure that those of you looking for a fun party this long Labor Day Weekend, are wondering how you can get to this festival. Well, I\u2019m hear to tell you that it\u2019s not hard. If you\u2019re flying in, fly into Cleveland Hopkins International Airport, rent a car, take I-480 West to the Ohio Turnpike. Take the Ohio Turnpike west to Exit 250 and go south about 3 miles. Don\u2019t worry. You can\u2019t miss the festival. There will cars parked (illegally \u2013 $35.00 fine please!) for miles on both sides of U.S. 250. When you see this line of cars, you\u2019re there. Just be careful you don\u2019t park along U.S. 250. Drive into Milan, and you\u2019ll find many of the gracious villagers will let you park on their front lawns (really!) for a small fee of $15 to $20. If you\u2019re driving in from the east or west, just find the Ohio Turnpike and get off at Exit 250. If you\u2019re coming from the north \u00a0just act like you\u2019re going to Cedar Point (Sandusky, Ohio), but instead of going north to the Lake, go south to the Melon Festival. If you\u2019re driving in from the south, good luck.<\/p>\n
Accommodations might be a problem \u2013 and you can\u2019t stay with me so banish that thought from your mind right now! There are no hotels or motels in Milan. They\u2019ve got ordinances against strangers hanging around in Milan overnight. You can\u2019t sleep in the park or the MPD will bust you and you\u2019ll be sleeping in the Milan jail, which, I hear, is worst than many jails in Romania.<\/p>\n
Not to worry! \u00a0There are plenty of motels within ten miles. My advice: Stay somewhere south, east, or west of Milan where you can get a room for under a hundred bucks. If you\u2019re thinking of taking in Cedar Point and the Lake Erie Islands while you\u2019re in the area \u2013 forget it. Rooms in and around Sandusky this weekend are SOLD OUT and if you can find one, it will cost you around $450.00. If you can afford that much for a room, why not spend it more wisely and send it to me? I could use it at the Melon Festival to buy an ear of sweetcorn and, a funnel cake, a buffalo burger, and some melon ice cream. The tab for all that would be about $150. I\u2019d also use some of it to try my luck playing some of those games. I\u2019ve always wanted a stuffed giraffe for my bed. And a few extra beers wouldn\u2019t be bad either. Don\u2019t worry, I don\u2019t plan on driving. I\u2019ll walk.<\/p>\n
Speaking of the games at the Milan Melon Festival: If you have kids or grandkids who\u2019ve never seen a gypsy, bring them to Milan this weekend. (Am I still allowed to say \u201cgypsy\u201d?) The gypsies run the games and they are easy to spot because they all have doo rags on their heads. (And I\u2019m not kidding!) So bring the kiddies and show them a slice of Americana while you enjoy an ice cold\u00a0slice of melon.<\/p>\n
By now, you\u2019re probably wringing your hands in anticipation and wanting me to tell you what you can expect when you arrive at the Melon\u00a0Melon\u00a0Festival. It\u2019s almost too exciting to write. But I\u2019ll try.<\/p>\n
First of all, my favorite part of the Melon Festival (aside from all the gorgeous melons) is the beer tent. I\u2019m a guy. And guys have a thing about beer tents. I\u2019ve noticed lately though that a lot more ladies are hanging around in the beer tent. And some of them aren\u2019t bad \u2014 there are not a lot of good-looking women in Milan most of the time, but there are plenty at the Melon Festival.<\/p>\n
Each year it seems that more and more ladies like the beer tent. And while I\u2019d really like to believe that this has something to do with me being there, I\u2019m sure it does not. I think the ladies are there because all the guys hang out there. I don\u2019t think it has anything to do with me \u2013 even though I\u2019m a guy, I\u2019m too old to be a lady-magnet. And, yes, it\u2019s a very difficult thing for me to admit. But sometimes you have to stare reality in the eye and accept the truth of what is staring back a you.<\/p>\n
But though I\u2019m old, I still love beer.<\/p>\n
If you\u2019re not one to hang around beer tents with a bunch of half-drunk, party animals (myself excluded) you can play all sorts of chance games. Like \u201cKnock A Doll\u201d, \u201cThe Fish Pond\u201d, \u201cThe Birthday Game\u201d, \u201cKnock Down The Wooden Milk Bottles\u201d and tons more. All run by the aforementioned gypsies. You can win great prizes if you\u2019re lucky; prizes like cool replicas of Zippo Lighters, plastic flashlights, bike reflectors, and Coca-Cola playing cards.<\/p>\n
\nThe Melon\u00a0King<\/b><\/p>\n
If you don\u2019t like games, but want to gamble where you can win really big cash prizes, you\u2019ll love the never-ending bingo game above the Town Hall. All day and all night you can play Bingo for just 25 cents a game. And if you\u2019re the first to holler \u201cBINGO\u201d you can win up to $12.00! That\u2019s more than enough to buy a high-in-transfat, deep-fried turkey drumstick and a high-fructose-corn-syrup-laden-Coke (that\u2019ll run you about $6.00 U.S.D.).<\/p>\n
BREAKING NEWS! Sorry folks, no bingo this year \u2014 too hot.<\/p>\n
![\"\"](\"http:\/\/thundercloud.net\/infoave\/melons-on-my-mind.JPG\")
<\/p>\n
But, let\u2019s get to the real reason why you came to the Melon Festival. The MELONS! Lovely melons everywhere you look! Big, tasty, juicy melons!<\/p>\n
Visit the Cantaloupe Wagon at the south-end of the square and meet the Millers of Miller\u2019s Melons. You call them cantaloupes, but we call them muskmelons, but whatever you call them, they are skuzzy looking on the outside and nice and orange on the inside. Yummy! Juicy, sweet, and delicious, served right off the Miller\u2019s Melon Wagon. Dig in and let the juice run down your chin and all over that nice clean shirt!<\/p>\n
(A little note: Did you know the term \u201cseedy\u201d comes from this? Indeed. Everyone who eats melons from the Wagon, ends up with melon juice and seeds on their clothing. Hence, the term \u201cseedy\u201d was born.<\/p>\n
And\u2026the melons are hauled to the festival on wagons lined with hay. And if you picked up a few pieces of hay from the Wagon that got mixed up with the melons, you would become a \u201chayseed\u201d. It\u2019s interesting to learn these terms came to be \u2013 and that Milan is the source of \u201cseedy\u201d and \u201chayseed\u201d. Interesting huh?)<\/p>\n
Finally, you\u2019ll want to try the various melon treats available throughout the square. You can have a melon milkshake, a melon ice cream cone or a rich, frozen chocolate-covered melon slice. If you\u2019re adventurous, you might want to sink your seedy teeth into some deep-fried watermelon or muskmelon slices. Or feast on a melon burger covered with ketchup, mustard and onions and served with hot, greasy melon fries. Try some melon mustard, melon pickles, and melon pancakes too. Or if you\u2019ve got a competitive nature, enter the Official Muskmelon Eating Contest; you just might make the Guinness Book of World Records<\/i> \u2026 if you can eat more than fifty-two muskmelons in twelve minutes. Alka-Seltzer is provided to all contestants \u2013 free of charge \u2013 by the gracious Milan Village Council (you think I\u2019m kidding, but I\u2019m not).<\/p>\n
The Milan Melon Festival is held in the town square of Milan, Ohio. It\u2019s pretty small. Fifty or sixty people could mill about rather comfortably in the town square at the same time. At Melon Festival time, there are over 5000 folks, many who never heard of soap and deodorant, crowded in the square\u2026some hanging from the roof of of the stately gazebo which normally sits abandoned, smack dab in the middle of town square.<\/p>\n
I hope I\u2019ve painted an inviting picture of the Melon Festival for you and that by now you can understand why I have melons on my mind! Everyone around here is chomping at the bit waiting for this weekend to arrive. We\u2019re crazy about melons!\u00a0 If you come to Milan, Ohio this weekend, and you\u2019re looking for me, try the beer tent first, that\u2019s probably where I\u2019ll be: Drinking beer, reveling in the festive atmosphere \u2013 with melons on my mind!<\/p>\n
By-the-way: The cops in Milan are busy (there are only 3 of them) controlling the thousands of folks packed like sardines in town square, all trying to get a glimpse or a taste of melons. You can speed through Milan this coming weekend as the world-famous Milan Speed Trap is closed during the Melon Festival. And if you don\u2019t like huge crowds of people trying to move around in a small town square in 90-degree heat, speeding right through Milan might be a good thing for you to do.<\/p>\n
I don\u2019t care about being squashed (no pun intended) by the mass of humanity that will pack the square in Milan, Ohio this weekend. It’s Labor Day Weekend and…<\/p>\n
I\u2019ve got melons on my mind!<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Melons On My Mind Those of you living in big and sophisticated cities will be astonished to learn that those of us living in more-or-less rural areas of America, get all worked-up about summer festivals. It may seem sad to you, even pathetic, but, alas, it is true. So far, this summer, in my neck-of-the-woods, we\u2019ve had the\u2026 Read More »<\/a><\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[228],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.thundercloud.net\/infoave\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/11512"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.thundercloud.net\/infoave\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.thundercloud.net\/infoave\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.thundercloud.net\/infoave\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.thundercloud.net\/infoave\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=11512"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/www.thundercloud.net\/infoave\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/11512\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":11515,"href":"https:\/\/www.thundercloud.net\/infoave\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/11512\/revisions\/11515"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.thundercloud.net\/infoave\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=11512"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.thundercloud.net\/infoave\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=11512"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.thundercloud.net\/infoave\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=11512"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}