![\"\"](\"http:\/\/thundercloud.net\/infoave\/images\/2015\/DeadTurkeyCartoon.jpg\")
<\/p>\n<\/p>\n
Thanksgiving time is upon us again. To my Canadian friends, I’m sorry this is late (I’m sooooo ethnocentric!)<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n Anyway… for all of us in the U.S. of A., Thanksgiving is nigh. I love that word – nigh.<\/p>\n Anyway, since we refer to Thanksgiving here in the States as “turkey day”, I’m going to discuss turkeys and not fish, though many people keep\u00a0fish for pets. I’m also going to mention cats & dogs, as they are pets too. \u00a0And this may come as a surprise to all of you\u00a0who love pets… \u00a0dead turkeys do not make good pets.<\/p>\n Did you know that a dead turkey requires more care than a living cat and almost as much care as a living dog? Cats are pretty good at almost any temperature that people are OK with \u2014 whereas dogs are a little more touchy. Dogs seem to do better when it\u2019s cooler. When it\u2019s hot, dogs can get Tired Tongue Syndrome (TTS) and the panting can especially be annoying when you\u2019re trying to watch something on TV. So, if you\u2019re rich -or smart \u2013 have air conditioning installed. That way, both you and the dog will be more comfortable. Cats seem to be comfortable regardless, so they\u2019re cheaper to maintain. You can have cats even if you\u2019re too poor for AC. I\u2019m very familiar with cats \u2013 I\u2019ve been an observer of cats for years and I can tell you that they spend most of their lives sleeping on something soft.<\/p>\n This brings me to the dead turkey. Did you know that the most popular kind of dead turkey is a frozen dead turkey? Statistics prove this, but I don\u2019t have those at hand right now; if you\u2019re really interested you can google it. Anyway, dead turkeys are really quite a lot more trouble than a living cat or dog; turkeys require a lot more fuss.<\/p>\n Consider this: Did you know that a frozen dead turkey can quickly become a semi-frozen deadly turkey if you\u2019re not careful? According to the USDA a frozen dead turkey \u201cleft thawing on the counter more than 2 hours is not at a safe temperature\u2026\u201d<\/em> Even though the dead turkey may still seem frozen, says the USDA, the outer skin of the dead creature \u201cis in the \u201cDanger Zone\u201d between 40 and 140 \u00b0F \u2014 at a temperature where food-borne bacteria multiply rapidly. \u201d<\/em><\/p>\n Dead turkeys require a lot more fussingnover than I thought.<\/p>\n Cats are quite comfortable and safe between 40 and 140 \u00b0F. Dogs? They\u2019re pretty comfy between 40 and 80 \u00b0F. Anything hotter than that is hard on the tongue. Dead turkeys start to become lumpy biohazards at 40 \u00b0F. This is something you need to consider carefully unless you live in an igloo, own a HazMat suit, or plan on feeding it to your in-laws. I\u2019m just kidding about your in-laws.<\/p>\n While cats and dogs can pretty much be kept wherever you have room for them, Turkeys? Not so much. If you\u2019re thinking you\u2019ll just throw your dead turkey in the trunk and forget it, don\u2019t. I\u2019m serious about this. Here\u2019s what the USDA says, and I\u2019m not making this up: \u201cFrozen turkeys should not be left on the back porch, in the car trunk, in the basement, or any place else where temperatures cannot be constantly monitored.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n So forget about keeping your frozen dead turkey on your back porch or tossing it in the basement. Apparently government employees have done this and gotten sick or worse. Cats are comfortable in the basement or the back porch; dogs don\u2019t care much for basements, but do love back porches. Don\u2019t put your cat, dog, or dead turkey in the trunk. I put that last sentence there for PETA members. I don\u2019t like getting hate mail… it scares me.<\/p>\n Despite Ben Franklin\u2019s colonial yearning to make the turkey the national bird, dead turkeys do not make good pets. Dead turkeys are edible though and quite good. If you decide to eat your dead gobbler you must understand that it can, in many circumstances, become a deadly, bacterial time bomb. In the interest of safety and in getting dead turkeys off your potential pets list and onto your table, here are some tips for you on how to thaw your dead frozen turkey so you won\u2019t get sick… or worse.<\/p>\n These tips are doubly important if you\u2019re planning on serving your dead turkey to guests. Guests who become sick from eating your dead turkey may not only create a mess in your home, some will become litigious. If they do become litigious, you may become ill. So follow these guidelines that our government has published \u2013 we, here in the U.S. of A pay our government a lot of money do things like this. I think it\u2019s time we got our money\u2019s worth.<\/p>\n Here are the USDA\u2019s Dead Turkey Tips:<\/p>\n \u201cSafe Methods for Thawing:<\/p>\n Immediately after grocery store checkout, take the frozen turkey home and store it in the freezer. Frozen turkeys should not be left on the back porch, in the car trunk, in the basement, or any place else where temperatures cannot be constantly monitored…”<\/p><\/blockquote>\n It’s best not to put in the bedroom. It’s especially not good to leave a turkey in a bathroom where showers are taken. The bacterial count is already too high, all those little lusty microbes would feast upon the dead turkey leaving you with a smelly gelatinous mass. It’s best you keep your frozen, dead turkey in a freezer with the rest of the dead and frozen stuff.<\/p>\n Now… a frozen turkey is of no use to anyone. Some things are best eaten frozen – ice cream, Fudgesicles, Popsicles, ice cubes and things like that. So a turkey, unlike, say a Creamsicle, needs to be thawed before use – assuming you’re going to use it for food, of course.<\/p>\n If you’re going to use it as a weapon or to hold down a tarp, then of course it’s best used frozen. Let’s assume for the purposes of this informative article that you’re planning on eating your dead turkey and\/or serving it to a bunch of hungry mooches or family members. You need to thaw that turkey, I tells ya!<\/p>\n Refrigerator Thawing \u2013 When thawing a turkey in the refrigerator:<\/p>\n Plan ahead: allow approximately 24 hours for each 4 to 5 pounds in a refrigerator set at 40 \u00b0F or below.<\/p>\n Place the turkey in a container to prevent the juices from dripping on other foods.<\/p>\n Refrigerator Thawing Times \u2013 Whole turkey:<\/p>\n * 4 to 12 pounds \u2026\u2026 1 to 3 days A thawed turkey can remain in the refrigerator for 1 or 2 days before cooking. Foods thawed in the refrigerator can be refrozen without cooking but there may be some loss of quality.<\/p>\n ** I love this. They really think someone is going to stick a turkey in the refrigerator without putting it in a bowl or some other kind of container? Do some people really stick a turkey in the refrigerator and let its bloody juices drip all over the egg salad and salami? Do people really do this?**<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n Cold Water Thawing \u2013 Allow about 30 minutes per pound. First be sure the turkey is in a leak-proof plastic bag to prevent cross-contamination and to prevent the turkey from absorbing water, resulting in a watery product. (Imagine eating a turkey leg and having water squirting all over the place! All over you. All over your guests. All over your cat or dog. \u00a0So makes sure your bag is really waterproof.)<\/p>\n Submerge the wrapped turkey in cold tap water. Change the water every 30 minutes until the turkey is thawed. Cook the turkey immediately after it is thawed.<\/p>\n Cold Water Thawing Times<\/p>\n * 4 to 12 pounds \u2026\u2026 2 to 6 hours A turkey thawed by the cold water method should be cooked immediately. After cooking, meat from the turkey can be refrozen.<\/p>\n Microwave Thawing \u2013 Follow the microwave oven manufacturer\u2019s instructions when defrosting a turkey. Plan to cook it immediately after thawing because some areas of the food may become warm and begin to cook during microwaving. Holding partially cooked food is not recommended because any bacteria present wouldn\u2019t have been destroyed. A turkey thawed in the microwave must be cooked immediately\u2026.\u201d<\/p>\n I kind of like the refrigerator\u00a0method the best. You have more flexibility since you can thaw and store as opposed to the Microwave method which gives your dead turkey hot spots.<\/p>\n The Cold Water Method: Good, Clean Family Fun<\/strong><\/p>\n But the cold water method is good clean family fun. I\u2019m sure many wives have recommended the cold water method to their husbands. However, the waterproof bag better be waterproof (and I don’t mean the wife) or you’ll end up with turkey meat that tastes like a sponge full of water.<\/p>\n If you like big pets and your dead turkey weighs 24 pounds for example, you and your family could have fun for up to 12 hours changing the dead turkey\u2019s water. If you have young children, don\u2019t make them lift 24 pounds by themselves \u2013 it could cause serious injury \u2013 which is a danger even the USDA didn\u2019t think to mention – and they mention stuff like take the baby out of the stroller before folding it (the stroller) up. Or maybe that’s not the USDA. Maybe that’s the FTC or the PTA. Anyway, help your kids change the water and use those 12 hours as quality family time: It can be fun changing a dead turkey’s water!<\/p>\n It\u2019s also interesting to note that dogs and cats do not need their water changed every 30 minutes, which is another good reason they make better pets than dead turkeys.<\/p>\n The good news is that I\u2019ve never known anyone who has died from eating a dead turkey and you don\u2019t either. I\u2019ve never known anyone who has gotten very ill from eating a dead turkey and you probably don\u2019t either. This means our tax dollars have saved many people from an early grave or from becoming very sick \u2013 or that turkey-dangers are are way overrated.<\/p>\n Note: That being said, I do know people who’ve gotten sick from eating dead turkey – I think. One Thanksgiving, after our big family dinner, my home was filled with the sound of people being sick – that’s all I’m going to say. And, no, I did not thaw, cook or handle the dead turkey that year.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n On the other hand, I have known lots of people who have gotten sleepy from eating dead turkey and ended up lying all over my house, snoring. But truth be told, I’m not sure that they were actually sleeping or just bored to death. I’m not the most sociable fellow, sorry to say.<\/p>\n So, I\u2019m not sure how dangerous bacteria-laden dead turkey is, because, \u00a0you and I and all of us humans are walking bacteria factories. Inside our body cavities are billions of\u2026. Well, I\u2019m not going there…<\/p>\n Before cooking<\/strong><\/p>\n The last things you need to do before you stick your dead turkey into the oven are:<\/p>\n 1. Chase the dog out of the kitchen \u2013 or put him in the basement. Dogs love turkey and you don\u2019t want your dog messing with your bird.<\/p>\n 2. Chase your cat out of the kitchen. Cats LOVE turkey and they\u2019ll pester you until you give them a hunk of it. Don\u2019t. Put your cat in the garage until the turkey is safely ensconced in your oven \u2013 on its final journey, so to speak.<\/p>\n 3.Reminder: Do NOT put your dog, cat, or dead turkey in the trunk of your car.<\/p>\n 4. Prepare the stuffing.<\/p>\n I\u2019ll get into stuffing safety next time.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Taking Care of a Dead Turkey Thanksgiving time is upon us again. To my Canadian friends, I’m sorry this is late (I’m sooooo ethnocentric!) Anyway… for all of us in the U.S. of A., Thanksgiving is nigh. I love that word – nigh. Anyway, since we refer to Thanksgiving here in the States as “turkey day”, I’m going\u2026 Read More »<\/a><\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[228],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.thundercloud.net\/infoave\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/11866"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.thundercloud.net\/infoave\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.thundercloud.net\/infoave\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.thundercloud.net\/infoave\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.thundercloud.net\/infoave\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=11866"}],"version-history":[{"count":12,"href":"https:\/\/www.thundercloud.net\/infoave\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/11866\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":11880,"href":"https:\/\/www.thundercloud.net\/infoave\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/11866\/revisions\/11880"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.thundercloud.net\/infoave\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=11866"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.thundercloud.net\/infoave\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=11866"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.thundercloud.net\/infoave\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=11866"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}Taking Care of a\u00a0dead turkey<\/h2>\n
How to thaw a dead, frozen turkey<\/h2>\n
\n* 12 to 16 pounds \u2026\u2026 3 to 4 days
\n* 16 to 20 pounds \u2026\u2026 4 to 5 days
\n* 20 to 24 pounds \u2026\u2026 5 to 6 days<\/p>\n
\n* 12 to 16 pounds \u2026\u2026 6 to 8 hours
\n* 16 to 20 pounds \u2026\u2026 8 to 10 hours
\n* 20 to 24 pounds \u2026\u2026 10 to 12 hours<\/p>\nI SUGGEST:<\/h2>\n