{"id":15636,"date":"2018-09-27T11:24:28","date_gmt":"2018-09-27T15:24:28","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.thundercloud.net\/infoave\/new\/?p=15636"},"modified":"2018-09-27T11:26:22","modified_gmt":"2018-09-27T15:26:22","slug":"spam-is-fun","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.thundercloud.net\/infoave\/new\/spam-is-fun\/","title":{"rendered":"Spam is Fun!"},"content":{"rendered":"

Spam is Fun!<\/span><\/h1>\n

Note:\u00a0 Please don’t try this at home. This is only for goofy people like me to try. If you read this and follow my example, you’ll probably only end up wasting time and getting more spam. Therefore this warning: If you follow my example you do so at your own peril.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

(Was that a good enough warning, EB? You’re so fussy!)<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Spam Is Fun!<\/span><\/h1>\n

I\u2019ve come to the point in my life where my brain is losing cells faster than my body can replace them. This leaves me particularly vulnerable to falling in love with strange things like watching \u201cHouse\u201d and reading spam. I find myself waking up in the morning and rushing to the computer (not even stopping by the coffee pot first) to see how much spam arrived over night. I am never disappointed. One thing I can count on, is oodles of spam and I\u2019ve learned to love it so much!<\/span><\/p>\n

Now, I know, you\u2019re sitting there reading this in a state of disbelief! Horrified. Some of you might even be gaping aghast. I am aware that you are thinking what a pathetic man I am. You\u2019re thinking that I\u2019m so hard-up for entertainment that I\u2019ve taken to watching \u201cHouse\u201d and reading subject lines from spam, just to get my jollies. But, think what you want! As my brain cells continue to rot at an ever-increasing pace, I am sure I will only get worse. And I am horribly aware that I might end up to be a babbling, drooling, old, loony maniac. But, let me tell those of you who think that\u2019s what I am already \u2013 I just checked and there is not a drop of drool on my keyboard \u2013 and my t-shirt is not on backwards this morning. So, there! Today, at least, I am in perfect, working order.<\/span><\/p>\n

Fun With Spam 101<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

One of the most fun things to do with spam is to read the subject lines, and if you have the stomach for it, to read the email itself. Many of your have weak stomachs or are the products of sterile, protected, childhoods, which prohibits you from reading spam content. But for those of you who share my wild, youth, and days of playing in a rock and roll band, nothing is too bizarre or weird. So, sometimes for fun (yes, it\u2019s pathetic, I know) I pretend I\u2019m going to answer to these spamming dweebs. I have so much fun doing it and that is a testament to how exciting my life really is. But, I do not want your pity. I prefer to live my fantasy life in peace and believe as I wish to believe -so save your pity for someone more deserving\u2026.<\/span><\/p>\n

Anyway, as I\u2019m so oft inclined to say, I thought I\u2019d share with you a few of my favorite spam subject lines and some of my fantasy answers. Now, I would never really actually answer any spam email \u2013 for many reasons \u2013 not the least of which no spammer with a glimmer of a brain cell would ever use his or her real email address. They\u2019re dweebs, but they\u2019re not completely stupid.<\/span><\/p>\n

Spam Is Fun!<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

All subject lines, names and spam emails below are real. Nothing has been changed to protect the guilty. Everything is just as I received it. It\u2019s all here for your amusement.<\/span><\/p>\n

Spam #1<\/span><\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

Subject: Dear Customer Feel Good Now!
\nFrom: Kelly Hutchinson<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

Dear clients!<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

Only for you on this week the best prices for pharmaceutics at our store!<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

New action \u2013 \u201cHot Weekly Specials\u201d \u2013 is under way expecting for you! Economize easily to 50% with us!!!<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

Profit by our cut rates now!!!<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

Sincerely yours,
\nOn-line Druggists<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

Dear On-line Druggists,<\/span><\/p>\n

I received the foregoing email from one of your representatives, Kelly Hutchinson.<\/span><\/p>\n

First of all, my name is TC, not \u201cCustomer Feel Good Now!\u201d It would be best if you addressed your prospective customers by some other name than \u201cCustomer Feel Good Now!\u201d, don\u2019t you think?<\/span><\/p>\n

I thought you might like to know that either Ms. Hutchinson is on drugs (probably ones she stole from your pharmacy) or Kelly slipped through the cracks and ended up working in your marketing department. As you can see from the email she wrote, she doesn\u2019t have a very good grasp on the English language. She sounds like she might be Lower Slobovian.<\/span><\/p>\n

However I think she\u2019s taking advantage of your pharmacy and helping herself to all the goodies you keep there. Perhaps you might want to consider some sort of disciplinary action. Her emails do not project a very professional image for your company.<\/span><\/p>\n

Just thought you might like to know. I\u2019m always looking out for reputable companies like yours who have inadvertently hired a few bad apples. I know you cannot keep some of them out, but I thought my bringing Kelly to your attention might be of benefit to you.<\/span><\/p>\n

Drug companies are so important to our economy these days, I am getting to the age where drug companies might play an integral role in keeping me alive a little bit longer than otherwise might have been possible. So, it\u2019s in my own best interest that I write to you and help you weed out employees that might give your fine company a bad name \u2013 and hasten your demise \u2013 and potentially mine.<\/span><\/p>\n

Cordially,<\/span><\/p>\n

TC<\/span><\/p>\n

Spam #2<\/span><\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

Subject: Keep all the girls really happy
\nFrom: \u201cMilo F. Rosales\u201d<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

Girls always giggled at me and even guys did in the public toilets!<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

(The rest of this email is censored. We have a family site you know!)<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

Hi Milo,<\/span><\/p>\n

Over here in the states, we have separate toilets for men and women. So, it looks like you\u2019ve sent this to me by mistake. I\u2019ve never had a girl giggle at me in a public toilet.<\/span><\/p>\n

And, it\u2019s been so long since a girl giggled at me, anywhere, I can\u2019t even remember what it\u2019s like. It sounds like fun though. Thanks for reminding me pf what I\u2019m missing. It really wasn\u2019t something I needed to be reminded of this morning, Milo. Thanks! You ruined my day!<\/span><\/p>\n

I really don\u2019t think what you\u2019re selling will work for me. I don\u2019t think girls are going to giggle for me anymore in this lifetime. Sad, Milo, but true! When you reach my age you\u2019ll understand, all too well, what I\u2019m saying.<\/span><\/p>\n

Good luck with your spamming business. Try to weed out older fellows like me in the future though. I don\u2019t think too many of us still believe we can make girls giggle.<\/span><\/p>\n

Your friend,<\/span><\/p>\n

TC<\/span><\/p>\n

Spam #3<\/span><\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

Subject: Re: Photo
\nFrom: \u201cLori Witherspoon\u201d<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

Hello! I am tired this afternoon. I am nice girl that would like to chat with you. Email me at (address removed by cloudeight) only, because I am writing not from my personal email. If you would like to see some of my pictures.<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

Lori<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

Dear Lori,<\/span><\/p>\n

I\u2019m an older dude, Lori. I think you sent this to the wrong guy. However it was a thrill getting an email from a strange woman. I always liked the name Lori. There was a girl in high school I knew named Lori and she was very pretty. I had a crush on her. You sure bring back good memories! You make me feel all warm and fuzzy!<\/span><\/p>\n

And, Lori, I\u2019d love to see your pictures, however at my age I\u2019m not sure my enlarging heart could stand the excitement of them. You better not send them, OK?<\/span><\/p>\n

Anyway, thanks for thinking of me, though, Lori. I wish you luck in your scheme to collect email addresses from all those stupid, younger guys with over-active hormones and no brains. Lucky for me, I am older and wiser than they and by now I\u2019m darn near hormone-free!<\/span><\/p>\n

Have a great afternoon!<\/span><\/p>\n

Best regards,<\/span><\/p>\n

TC<\/span><\/p>\n

Spam #4<\/span><\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

Subject: This is an experience like no other!
\nFrom: Alec Maloney<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

(This whole email is censored \u2013 sorry.)<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

Dear Alec,<\/span><\/p>\n

I actually blushed when I saw what you were selling. I never knew this kind of stuff mattered to women. I guess I missed the boat on this one. Now I realize how far out-of-the-loop I really am. I had my suspicions that I was on the very edges of the loop \u2013 now you\u2019ve made it clear I\u2019m way out of it.<\/span><\/p>\n

I would like to thank you, with all my heart, for letting me know how inadequate and naive I am. I will add your eye-opening information to my list of things that lower my self-esteem. Thanks for writing \u2013 but I\u2019m too old for the kind of stuff you\u2019re selling. I don\u2019t have anyone who would appreciate it anyway, even if it did work like you promise (and I do have my doubts).<\/span><\/p>\n

Good luck with your spamming career. I am sure there are millions young men out there eager and stupid enough to buy your product and make you wealthy. I I wish you lots of luck in your endeavors. Unfortunately I am no longer young or eager. I am not yet decided on stupid. I\u2019m so sorry Alec \u2013 you wasted a perfectly good spam on me.<\/span><\/p>\n

If you have any other products you\u2019d like to show me, please feel to email me. I will happy to look over whatever else you have to offer. Please try to keep your email more appropriate for family sites like mine. I really would have liked to publish your letter but I couldn\u2019t because we want to keep our \u201cG\u201d rating. Please tone down your language a bit, OK? EB was really upset with you. Me? Not so much.<\/span><\/p>\n

Best regards,<\/span><\/p>\n

TC<\/span><\/p>\n

Spam #5<\/span><\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

Subject: Olny this 5 days special price on pharma for you dear customer
\nFrom: \u201cJerrod Cope\u201d<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

Hello!!!<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

Particular proposal for you Dear Customer!!! Only at these five days for your clients incredible discounts!!! On all pharmaceutics you require!!!<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

Fill your life with colors of merriment!!!<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

Dear Jerrod!!!!<\/span><\/p>\n

Looks to me like you need to spend a little more time in school polishing up your English!!! Your spelling is awful and your grammar is even worse than mine!!!<\/span><\/p>\n

What the heck do I want with \u201cpharma\u201d anyway. What is it? We have a town here in Ohio called Parma. It\u2019s a nice little Polish community!!! They have great Kielbasa and perogies in Parma!!! Tons of nice Polish restaurants!!! You\u2019d love it!!!! You should visit Parma sometime!!! It\u2019s very close the Cleveland airport too \u2013 very convenient for you since you\u2019ll be flying in from Bulglodonia or whatever third-world dump you come from!!!!!<\/span><\/p>\n

I see you really love the exclamation point!!! You think it makes everything you have to say exciting, don\u2019t you????<\/span><\/p>\n

Jerrod, you have no idea how much I\u2019d love to fill my life with colors of merriment \u2013 if I only knew what that meant!!!!! I can only imagine euphoria!!!! I don\u2019t see any euphoria in my future though. I\u2019m too cynical to hold out much hope of that!!!! You\u2019re not really selling LSD are you????<\/span><\/p>\n

Sorry, Jerrod \u2013 no matter what you\u2019re selling, I would never buy anything from someone who uses all those exclamation points!!!!! Besides, I\u2019ve never been a customer of yours!!! Did you send this to the right guy?????<\/span><\/p>\n

Sincerely!!!!<\/span><\/p>\n

TC!!!!!!<\/span><\/p>\n

Spam #6<\/span><\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

Subject: Hey Cutie, more friendly information from Elvira
\nFrom: \u201cElvira P. Carson\u201d<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

(Elvira\u2019s email was a bit on the risqu\u00e9 side. Actually she was attempting to sell me male pharmaceutical products. There wasn\u2019t much fit in her email to print in a family publication. Use your imagination.)<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

Dear Elvira,<\/span><\/p>\n

I want to tell you that your email really got my blood pumping. When someone named Elvira calls an old coot like me \u201ccutie\u201d it really gives me goosebumps.<\/span><\/p>\n

Too bad you really didn\u2019t mean it. You don\u2019t really care about me Elvira, do you? You only wanted to sell me \u201cmale pharmaceuticals\u201d for which, sadly, I have no need.<\/span><\/p>\n

I\u2019m sad now, Elvira. At first I really thought you meant what you said. Darn, I was so excited that some young chick named Elvira called me cutie. Shame on you, Elvira. I could have had a heart attack!<\/span><\/p>\n

Good luck with your sales career though. I\u2019ve never been one to hold grudges.<\/span><\/p>\n

Best of luck,<\/span><\/p>\n

TC<\/span><\/p>\n

PS: Could you please enclose a picture of yourself next time?<\/span><\/p>\n

There is nothing I like better than to imagine these little scumballs sitting at their computer sending out zillions of spam emails. I imagine their slimy, little bodies, covered with sweat, rubbing their hands together; visions of U.S. Dollars dancing through their crusty, mindless, heads. They really are a bunch of sick dweebs! But so lovable!<\/span><\/p>\n

And, by now, you\u2019re all thinking (and I know you are) that I should get a life. I know. I know. But, I have a life, I really do. And spam is so much a part of it! I can\u2019t help that I love spam. If you got as much as I do, you\u2019d learn to love it too.<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Spam is Fun! Note:\u00a0 Please don’t try this at home. This is only for goofy people like me to try. If you read this and follow my example, you’ll probably only end up wasting time and getting more spam. Therefore this warning: If you follow my example you do so at your own peril.\u00a0 (Was that a good\u2026 Read More »<\/a><\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":13582,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[228],"tags":[1720],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.thundercloud.net\/infoave\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/15636"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.thundercloud.net\/infoave\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.thundercloud.net\/infoave\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.thundercloud.net\/infoave\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.thundercloud.net\/infoave\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=15636"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/www.thundercloud.net\/infoave\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/15636\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":15638,"href":"https:\/\/www.thundercloud.net\/infoave\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/15636\/revisions\/15638"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.thundercloud.net\/infoave\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/13582"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.thundercloud.net\/infoave\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=15636"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.thundercloud.net\/infoave\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=15636"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.thundercloud.net\/infoave\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=15636"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}