{"id":16162,"date":"2019-01-17T14:52:49","date_gmt":"2019-01-17T19:52:49","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.thundercloud.net\/infoave\/new\/?p=16162"},"modified":"2019-01-17T15:46:41","modified_gmt":"2019-01-17T20:46:41","slug":"on-walmart-and-bonnie-the-joys-of-growing-old","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.thundercloud.net\/infoave\/new\/on-walmart-and-bonnie-the-joys-of-growing-old\/","title":{"rendered":"On Walmart and Bonnie: The Joys Of Growing Old"},"content":{"rendered":"

On Walmart and Bonnie: The Joys Of Growing Old<\/span><\/h1>\n

Getting old isn\u2019t much fun, no matter what you hear from those who claim they\u2019re happier being old than they were being young.\u00a0 Bull hockey I tells ya! That’s just someone trying to make their old age seem more tenable. It\u2019s just pure nonsense, because I’m getting old and I know what goes on! It could be, though, that those who claim that being old is better than being young had an awful childhood or they made a lot of money later in life and now traverse the world in their own Lear jet surrounded by pretty young flight attendants.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

But anyway, growing old has a way of creeping up on you so that sometimes you forget how old you are. But for me there\u2019s a simple test, I just walk down the street and see how many people under 30 even notice I even exist. None. Zero percent. Nada. Zilch. That\u2019s how many notice me.<\/span><\/p>\n

It\u2019s kind of like being the invisible man. Not always a bad thing.<\/span><\/p>\n

When I was young I spent a lot of time chasing girls and carousing around \u2013 which, sadly, turned out to be a huge waste of time. But back then I thought I had plenty of time to waste. When I was 20 I figured I was good for another 50 years at least \u2013 50 years seemed like such a long, long time. An eternity to a 20-year-old. Plenty of time to waste and still have plenty of time left do meaningful stuff!<\/span><\/p>\n

Well those 50 years have come and gone really quickly and now it seems like just yesterday I was licking an ice cream cone with Bonnie. Bonnie was a girl that my buddies hooked me up with when I was 16 and deathly afraid of girls. You see, Bonnie had been around the block a few times. I hadn\u2019t even gotten to the end of my driveway yet. It was a mismatch not made in heaven.\u00a0 She scared me to death.<\/span><\/p>\n

So now I\u2019m old, my youth withered up and caked like dry mud on an ancient lake bed. I know it, but I still can’t get into this being old stuff. My brain\u2019s still 18 and that’s seems to be where it wants to stay. It\u2019s like sitting in a house watching a great movie on TV while the house burns down around me. Everything is falling apart, but I still can\u2019t get it into my head I\u2019m an old coot. But that\u2019s enough of that.<\/span><\/p>\n

When I was young it took a lot to please me. I was not easily amused. I was always looking for something new to excite me. I needed thrills like skydiving or driving too fast or drinking too much, parties, hooliganism and stuff like that. But now I\u2019m just the old decrepit shell of my former self\u2026but that has its advantages.<\/span><\/p>\n

For instance, unlike during the vigor of my youth, my pleasures these days are small and easily obtained. I quit smoking. Darn near quit drinking, work hard \u2026but don\u2019t play hard. If I had seen this coming when I was 20 it would have ruined my youth \u2013 but no one 20 can imagine getting old. It\u2019s like trying to imagine what it would be like to be a chimpanzee on Mars.<\/span><\/p>\n

Last night I needed some groceries. So I went to Walmart. I know it\u2019s sad but we have only 3 grocery stores in my town \u2013 not counting Big Lots and Ollie\u2019s Bargain Barn or Rural King. The other two real grocery have stodgy clientele who are willing to pay outrageous prices so they can brag they don\u2019t shop at Walmart. But I don\u2019t like to waste money, because as with time, I don\u2019t have much to waste, and when I do have a few extra bucks, I\u2019m going to spend them on something good, like spaghetti squash.<\/span><\/p>\n

Walking around in Walmart last night, I realized that Walmart is a place where I feel comfortable. I can walk in there wearing my old sweat pants and t-shirt with my belly hanging out and no one notices, because no one cares. I can make funny noises, talk to myself, vent gas and do all manner of things I would never do anywhere else \u2013 and feel right at home. <\/span><\/p>\n

I’m just one of the masses at Walmart.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Everyone at Walmart seems to be in the same boat. They would rather be at one of the other two grocery stores (but not Big Lots or Ollie\u2019s Bargain Barn), but really froth at the idea of spending $6.49 for a jar of Kraft Miracle Whip that Walmart sells for $3.78. So, there they are, creeping around with me in Walmart, hoping no one they know sees them there. <\/span><\/p>\n

As for me? I don\u2019t care who sees me there.<\/span><\/p>\n

That\u2019s another advantage of being old \u2013 I can actually say “I don\u2019t care” and really mean it.<\/span><\/p>\n

It was snowing last night, so I stayed at Walmart a little longer than I would have\u2026 looking for deals. They had an incredible sale on Fresh Wipes, which I really love \u2013 2 for $1.78. I stocked up on them. That\u2019s another thing I like about Walmart, you can be loading Fresh Wipes in your cart, a minute later a bunch of kumquats, and the next minute you can be over in the duck hunting department picking out a camo hat and shotgun ammo. Next thing, you can turn around and scoot over to the dairy aisle and pick up some cage-free eggs. Who ever heard of an egg in a cage anyway?<\/span><\/p>\n

I ended up with $84.88 worth of groceries\u2026that\u2019s about $150 worth had I bought them at either of the prestigious grocery stores. I saved enough that I could have bought some new sweat pants that actually fit me, but I like my belly hanging out when I stroll around Walmart \u2013 it\u2019s comfortable and no one notices, so I saved more money by not buying newer – and better fitting – sweat pants.<\/span><\/p>\n

All that shopping made me tired. Maybe you don’t know how it is when you get old \u2013 so I\u2019ll tell you. You get tired easily. You get stiff easily (and I don\u2019t mean drunk). You end up watching stuff on TV you would never have watched when you were younger \u2013 stuff like “The Fountain of Youth: Apple Cider Vinegar”, “The Healthy Postate “, “Golf Carting for Fun” \u2013 and reruns of \u201cI Love Lucy\u201d, “Marcus Welby M.D.\u201d “Gunsmoke”\u00a0 and so on.<\/span><\/p>\n

I am not so picky anymore. People cut me some slack because I\u2019m old; I border on the decrepit.<\/span><\/p>\n

Whenever someone needs to lift something really heavy, like a sofa bed, they never even look at me, let alone ask me to help. If someone\u2019s car won\u2019t start when it\u2019s 40 below zero, they never come knocking on my door to ask me to help them. When it snows, I can start shoveling snow for a minute or two then feign breathing difficulties and\u2026 sure enough\u2026 one of my neighbors comes to save the old man from rigor mortis and with pity in his eyes, shovels my sidewalk for me, while I sit in the kitchen drinking hot chocolate and watching.<\/span><\/p>\n

There\u2019s not a whole lot to like about this getting old stuff. No one thinks you can do anything, so that\u2019s good if the things that need to be done are heavy and make you sweat. My younger neighbors like to help me, especially when I wipe my brow and breathe loudly, or fall down to my knees and grab my chest.<\/span><\/p>\n

I like going to Walmart looking as terrible as I can possible look. Then I fit right in. My t-shirt too short, my sweatpants too low, my old belly bulging out… no one even looks at me because I look like everyone else.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Oh yeah, and wearing socks with sandals is really cool too. I do that sometimes \u2014 it makes people think I have some kind of toenail fungus \u2026 or that my toenails are long and curly because I\u2019m too old to bend over to cut them.<\/span><\/p>\n

It\u2019s not easy being old, but I don\u2019t know if it\u2019s any harder than being young. I mean Bonnie really did scare me. I haven’t seen her in 54 years. I may be an old coot but I bet Bonnie\u2019s seen better days too.<\/span><\/p>\n

Life has a way of balancing things out.<\/span><\/p>\n

Guess what? I\u2019m not afraid of Bonnie anymore!<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

On Walmart and Bonnie: The Joys Of Growing Old Getting old isn\u2019t much fun, no matter what you hear from those who claim they\u2019re happier being old than they were being young.\u00a0 Bull hockey I tells ya! That’s just someone trying to make their old age seem more tenable. It\u2019s just pure nonsense, because I’m getting old and\u2026 Read More »<\/a><\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":13582,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[228],"tags":[1720],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.thundercloud.net\/infoave\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/16162"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.thundercloud.net\/infoave\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.thundercloud.net\/infoave\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.thundercloud.net\/infoave\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.thundercloud.net\/infoave\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=16162"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"https:\/\/www.thundercloud.net\/infoave\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/16162\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":16169,"href":"https:\/\/www.thundercloud.net\/infoave\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/16162\/revisions\/16169"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.thundercloud.net\/infoave\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/13582"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.thundercloud.net\/infoave\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=16162"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.thundercloud.net\/infoave\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=16162"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.thundercloud.net\/infoave\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=16162"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}