<\/p>\n
Fancy Phones and Apologies to Beethoven<\/span><\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n I was looking at smartphones the other day \u2013 thinking maybe it\u2019s time to get rid of my old flip phone. Not flip-flops! But it is that time of the year for everyone who does not have toenail fungus \u2013 if you do, skip the flip-flops. Please.<\/span><\/p>\n No. I don’t use a Jitterbug.<\/span><\/p>\n Anyway, while I was looking at all the smartphone choices, I got an idea that I know is going to make me rich. I\u2019m sure of it. I\u2019ve always been an idea man, but I\u2019ve never had an idea that made me rich. I want to be like the guy who sewed sleeves on a blanket, called it a \u201cSnuggie\u201d and made $572.4 million.<\/span><\/p>\n So anyway, I was looking at phones when this great idea popped into my head and I wanted to tell you about it.<\/span><\/p>\n But first I want to give you a little background just in case you don\u2019t know much about the new fancy cell phones. Expensive cell phones are called \u201csmartphones\u201d, but since I don\u2019t like that term – how can a piece of plastic, metal, and guerilla glass be smart – I call them fancy phones. There are so many kinds of these fancy phones available these days, and they really can do much more than just make phone calls. Things like selecting just the right gigolo in Buenos Aires, or making reservations for one at a \u201cGentleman\u2019s Club\u201d in Madrid, or telling you what street the local ice cream man is on and exactly how long it will take until he gets to your house, or how many of your Facebook \u201cfriends\u201d have just written something profound on your page. Or even give you directions to the nearest cemetery if you\u2019re looking for a little quiet time.<\/span><\/p>\n As for me? I can imagine sitting on a bus in Borneo, slouching down in my seat to avoid the infamous Wild Man, and ordering flowers for my dear sister just by pushing a few buttons on a device hardly any larger than a pack of cigarettes. I don\u2019t know if my sister would be impressed that I ordered her flowers while scrunching down in a seat on a bus in Borneo while hiding from the Wild Man, but I sure would be if someone sent me flowers. Heck, I\u2019d be impressed if someone picked up an old rotary-dial telephone while sitting at the kitchen table in a shabby apartment in Circleville, Iowa, and ordered me flowers. To be totally candid, I\u2019d be happy if some kid gave me a dandelion. I never get flowers \u2013 maybe because I\u2019m a guy?<\/span><\/p>\n Where have all the flowers gone?<\/span><\/p>\n I digress. While looking at smartphones, I noticed that most cell phones these days are made for texting, with lots of shortcuts and big keyboards. This got me thinking: What if you had one of these exciting phones but you had no one to text? You\u2019d have several alternatives I guess. You could sit alone at home and watch TV. As odd as that might sound, if you watch TV very much, sooner or later you hear someone say: \u201cText your answer to 6116\u201d. Answer to what I don\u2019t know, I don\u2019t pay attention because I don\u2019t have a fancy phone. Texting on my cell phone is like trying to play Beethoven\u2019s \u201cMoonlight Sonata\u201d on a harmonica.<\/span><\/p>\n I bet there are literally hundreds of thousands of people, maybe even millions, who have new smartphones and are seriously disappointed because they realize they have no one to text. It\u2019s like being all dressed up and having nowhere to go. <\/span><\/p>\n Mostly I imagine these kinds of people would be older folks to whom texting is about as foreign as 50 cent. Still, anyone who has a new fancy phone and has no one to text must feel out of the loop. Having all those keys to press and no one to press them for, could make some people very depressed, even sick; it would emphasize that they don\u2019t belong in with today\u2019s texting crowd.<\/span><\/p>\n Having a new fancy phone and realizing you have no one to text must be very painful, especially when you see younger people driving red convertibles, drinking Pepsi, putting on makeup, eating yogurt, and texting, all at the same time. Not only would you question your multi-tasking skills, but you\u2019d wonder why some 17-year-old kid had a red convertible and you didn\u2019t \u2013 and why they had someone to text and you didn\u2019t. <\/span><\/p>\n You\u2019re older than they are \u2013 so you should have more people to text because you have had more time to acquire friends and convertibles. These days the word “friends” doesn\u2019t mean friends. It might mean Facebook-type, Twitter-type (I mean X type) or real live friends \u2013 the line between those different kinds of friends has become subtly blurred.<\/span><\/p>\n If you\u2019re old and have no one to text, it\u2019s probably because all of your friends are dead. If they\u2019re dead, you shouldn\u2019t feel too badly \u2013 I am almost positive that there\u2019s no texting in heaven and probably no texting in hell either \u2013 although the more texting I see, the more I am beginning to think that there is texting in hell. And unfortunately for me, the way I\u2019m going, I just might find out before long.<\/span><\/p>\n Anyway if you\u2019re old and all or most of your friends are dead and you desperately want to have someone to text, there is hope for you. I promise.<\/span><\/p>\n Before I go on, I want to touch on something that might be of great interest to you older folks with fancy phones. Many people these days with fancy phones text – or want to.\u00a0 But no one texts more or with more enthusiasm and alacrity than do young people. If you\u2019re an older person and you have a fancy phone be careful. Here\u2019s why: If you\u2019ve ever seen a text message from a teenager or a twenty-something, it will look like gibberish to you but, I assure you, it is not. It means something to them.<\/span><\/p>\n Consider this text message I just intercepted here at Text Pathetique headquarters:<\/span><\/p>\n ASLP? MEET @ *$ @ 5? PKOTL Ken-e<\/span><\/p>\n That means something. It means: \u201cAge\/Sex\/Location\/Picture? Do you want to meet at Starbucks at five o\u2019clock? Passionate kiss on the lips. Kenny.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n So, if you want to be cool and text with your fancy phone, be sure you check Net Lingo\u2019s website, just to be sure you\u2019re not texting something meaningful. Remember: It\u2019s not your parents or even your world anymore.<\/span><\/p>\n If you\u2019re middle-aged, say between 45 and 60, just got a new fancy phone and you have no one to text, then you\u2019re in luck. Most of your friends are not dead yet \u2013 although some may appear to be. <\/span><\/p>\n There is a good possibility that most of your friends have been forced by peer pressure to get a Facebook page and\/or a Twitter (X) account. What that means to you is this: You have plenty of chances to scrape up a lot of \u201cfriends\u201d to text.<\/span><\/p>\n Let me add a word about friends here. We\u2019re not talking about the old-fashioned meaning of friends \u2013 you know the kind you do nice things for and the kind that do nice things for you \u2013 we\u2019re talking about new-age friends. New-age friends don\u2019t necessarily do anything for you except exist and constantly remind you that they exist by posting completely stupid, irrelevant, or uninteresting things on your Facebook page \u2013 or twittering some really exciting news like they\u2019re getting their hair fixed just like Cleopatra, or having breakfast with Hillary Duff (which probably isn\u2019t true) or Hillary Markowitz (which is probably true).<\/span><\/p>\n Another tip: Be extra careful that you choose people who are more-or-less in your age group; otherwise if you text someone much younger they most certainly will reply with what will look like jibber-jabber to you. There\u2019s a 90% chance \u2013 according to recent studies \u2013 that if they\u2019re under 22, their reply will be something that would make you blush should you ever dare google it and find out what it really means.<\/span><\/p>\n If a reply comes and it looks like spam or gibberish, you can bet it came from a teenager or a twenty-something \u2013 even worse, they may have the hots for you. If you\u2019re middle-aged and rich this is a really good possibility. Men, you have to be careful; if you\u2019re a woman \u2013 you can get away with it, so go for it. You\u2019ll be called a cougar, but with all the fun you\u2019ll have, you won\u2019t care.<\/span><\/p>\n I\u2019m just sayin\u2019.<\/span><\/p>\n If Facebook and Twitter (X) aren\u2019t your cup of tea, you\u2019ll love my new Web site called Text Pathetique. You can visit my new site at www.textpathetique.com. Yes, the name was stolen from Beethoven \u2013 but he won\u2019t mind, he\u2019s dead. The name of my site comes from Beethoven\u2019s \u201cSonata Pathetique\u201d \u2013 a sad, morose, lonely, lilting-sounding piece written before Beethoven became deaf and started composing his great stuff. \u201cSonata Pathetique\u201d is an odd composition that features a strangely jolly interlude in the middle of all the gloominess normally associated with compositions written in A minor. It almost sounds like he was trying very hard to become the grandfather of hip-hop. But make no mistake, \u201cPathetique\u201d won\u2019t cheer you up.<\/span><\/p>\n If you\u2019re suicidal, you\u2019d be well advised to steer clear of this piece altogether. If you\u2019re not suicidal but would like to be, this is the sonata for you. Try this: Sit in a dark room, alone, without your fancy phone, and listen to it a few times. The jolly part will nearly drive you insane, and the gloom that exudes from the speakers in the dreadful, gloomy parts (which is most of it) will make you so sad that you\u2019ll think your heart is breaking while your eyes will fill up with tears. <\/span><\/p>\n And if you\u2019re tragically lonely and you force yourself to listen to \u201cPathetique\u201d in a dark room, over and over again, and you don\u2019t have your fancy phone with you to call someone for help, you might find yourself in a clinically depressed state \u2013 forever.<\/span><\/p>\n If you\u2019re uninsured, you can\u2019t allow yourself to be depressed because you can\u2019t afford it. Treatment for chronic depression will cost you a fortune, and that pile of medical bills will certainly make you even more depressed. <\/span><\/p>\n You could move to Canada or England or anywhere else in the civilized world and get your depression treated for free. But not here in the USA. Here it\u2019s all about the money.<\/span><\/p>\n Before you get any bright ideas \u2013 I don\u2019t have any money and I don\u2019t own anything except the Text Pathetique website which I can barely spell and which hasn\u2019t made a dime yet. So while you might think you will be able to sue me and recoup your medical expenses, I\u2019ve got bad news for you \u2014 you\u2019d be better off suing Beethoven.<\/span><\/p>\n I\u2019ve wandered off-topic again, I\u2019m sorry. My new site is staffed with really gorgeous, texting professionals, trained in texting and in replying in plain English \u2013 no stupid acronyms or text shorthand here. All replies are written so anyone over 30 can read them. So even if you\u2019re 90 and you have a good pair of glasses you’ll be able to read them. <\/span><\/p>\n And no I\u2019m not an Anglophile! We have Spanish, Romanian, Russian, Swedish, Danish, Italian, Portuguese, Croatian, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, and Australian (all of whom have free health care) versions of our site coming very soon. I\u2019m in Romania right now in fact, hand-picking thirty beautiful Romanian ladies for possible employment. And then I\u2019m off to Japan and then on to Australia.<\/span><\/p>\n But let\u2019s get down to business. You can sign up for a FREE fifteen-day trial of Text Pathetique. Once you\u2019ve signed up, log in and visit www.textpathetique.com\/pix and take a look at our gallery of young, svelte, beautiful texters. Some are even nubile. <\/span><\/p>\n We have 15 female and 15 male texters and all of them are good-looking \u2013 some would even call them \u201chot\u201d \u2013 and they are all ready and waiting to answer your text messages regardless of your age or appearance. At Text Pathetique we don\u2019t care what you look like, or how old you are, we just want your money. And all you have to do is sign up to be cool \u2013 we accept all major credit cards and even minor ones like Texaco and Fingerhut.<\/span><\/p>\n Think of it as having your own beautiful, texting pen pal, or as we call them: \u201cText-pals\u201d. If you like our beautiful staff and would love to have a hot man or woman to text \u2013 you\u2019ll LOVE, LOVE, LOVE our site! So take our beautiful text pals for a free 15-day test ride. After your free trial is over, you\u2019ll find our monthly subscription fees VERY reasonable. Only $12.95 per month. If you\u2019re looking for a beautiful text pal on a budget, you can SAVE BIG with our yearly plan for just $99. Yes, you read that right! Just $99 buys you a year of texting bliss with your very own sexy, hot, beautiful text pal!<\/span><\/p>\n If you\u2019re attention-starved you\u2019ll probably want more than just one text-pal. And we have just the plans for you! If you\u2019d like to have more than one beautiful text pal, you can get additional text pals for just $5 extra, each, per month on our monthly plan, or just $40 extra, per additional text-pal, per year, on our annual membership plan. <\/span><\/p>\n If you\u2019re REALLY attention-starved, and you want to SAVE REALLY BIG, listen up! For just $299 per year, you can have unlimited text pals! Yes! Choose from any or all of our thirty alluringly beautiful people. Text any or all of them, anytime, from anywhere! You\u2019ll have more fun than anybody has the right to have! Just choose our UTPP (Unlimited Text-Pals Plan). With our UTPP you\u2019ll give that new fancy phone of yours a real workout!<\/span><\/p>\n Think of it! You\u2019ll never be lonely or bored again! And you\u2019ll be able to look cool wherever you go \u2013 text in your car, or while you walk, or while you shop, or while you\u2019re using the bathroom. Text while you eat, or while you get a haircut, or while you\u2019re getting a manicure! Send texts while you work, while you watch TV, or while you\u2019re blissfully drifting off to sleep. There\u2019s no limit on how many texts you can send \u2013 and you can be sure that every single text you send will be answered by a live, really beautiful person!<\/span><\/p>\n You\u2019ll no longer feel pathetically old, tragically lonely, or out of the loop. Never again will you look like a lonely loser! You\u2019ll fit in with the rest of the world and you\u2019ll look young and cool smoozing around town, texting away on your brand new, texting-friendly fancy phone. No more pretending like you\u2019re important by having to resort to sending fake text messages to nobody.<\/span><\/p>\n Text Pathetique is your dream come true! Text Pathetique is much better than and much more personal than texting those \u201cfriends\u201d that write graffiti on your Facebook page, and certainly more interesting than those Twitter Twit \u201cfriends\u201d who claim to be having lunch at the top of the Eiffel Tower with Tom Hanks, but are tweeting from the break room at Walmart.<\/span><\/p>\n If you\u2019ve not yet gotten a fancy, texting-friendly phone, you don\u2019t have to be afraid anymore. No matter how much of a loser or how lonely you are, you\u2019ll never have to worry about having people to send texts to.<\/span><\/p>\n So, if you want real people, real beautiful people, who love and care about you and who do WANT you to text them \u2013 you\u2019ll love Text Pathetique. Text Pathetique is my brand new website for those of you who don\u2019t have any real friends but are dying to text someone with that new fancy phone of yours. Maybe you will find your BFF \u2013 he or she may be only a click, a few bucks, and a text message away!<\/span><\/p>\n Text Pathetique \u2013 Your Texting Boutique!<\/span><\/p>\n CU L8tr Allig8or. ASLP? LOL ROTFL<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Fancy Phones and Apologies to Beethoven I was looking at smartphones the other day \u2013 thinking maybe it\u2019s time to get rid of my old flip phone. Not flip-flops! But it is that time of the year for everyone who does not have toenail fungus \u2013 if you do, skip the flip-flops. Please. No. I don’t use\u2026 Read More »<\/a><\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":26737,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[228,4445],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.thundercloud.net\/infoave\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/28638"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.thundercloud.net\/infoave\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.thundercloud.net\/infoave\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.thundercloud.net\/infoave\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.thundercloud.net\/infoave\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=28638"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"https:\/\/www.thundercloud.net\/infoave\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/28638\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":28643,"href":"https:\/\/www.thundercloud.net\/infoave\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/28638\/revisions\/28643"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.thundercloud.net\/infoave\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/26737"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.thundercloud.net\/infoave\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=28638"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.thundercloud.net\/infoave\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=28638"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.thundercloud.net\/infoave\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=28638"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}