{"id":6519,"date":"2013-11-18T07:18:38","date_gmt":"2013-11-18T12:18:38","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/thundercloud.net\/infoave\/new\/?p=6519"},"modified":"2013-11-18T07:25:38","modified_gmt":"2013-11-18T12:25:38","slug":"how-to-care-for-a-dead-turkey","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.thundercloud.net\/infoave\/new\/how-to-care-for-a-dead-turkey\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Care for a Dead Turkey"},"content":{"rendered":"
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\"\"<\/h1>\n<\/header>\n
Dead turkeys make lousy pets. And it’s really hard to care for something that doesn’t need anything because it’s dead. I mean, you can’t comfort it, or feed it, or nurse it back to health. But you will be surprised to learn that a dead turkey requires more care than a live one.And did you know that a dead turkey requires more care than a living cat and almost as much care as a living dog? Cats are pretty good at almost any temperature that people are OK with \u2014 whereas dogs are a little more touchy. Dogs seem to do better when it\u2019s cooler. When it\u2019s hot, dogs can get Tired Tongue Syndrome (TTS) and the panting can especially be annoying when you\u2019re trying to watch something on TV – did you ever see a cat pant?<\/p>\n

So, if you\u2019re rich -or smart \u2013 have air conditioning installed. That way, both you and the dog will be more comfortable. Cats seem to be comfortable regardless, so they\u2019re cheaper to maintain. You can have cats even if you\u2019re too poor for AC. I\u2019m very familiar with cats \u2013 I\u2019ve been an observer of cats for years and I can tell you that they spend most of their lives sleeping on something soft.<\/p>\n

This brings me to dead turkeys. Did you know that the most popular kind of dead turkey is a frozen dead turkey? Statistics prove this, but I don\u2019t have those at hand right now. If you\u2019re really interested you can google it. Anyway, dead turkeys are really quite a lot more trouble than a living cat or dog. As you\u2019ll see, dead turkeys require a lot more fuss \u2014 especially frozen dead turkeys.<\/p>\n

Consider this: Did you know that a frozen dead turkey can quickly become a semi-frozen deadly turkey if you\u2019re not careful? According to the USDA a frozen dead turkey \u201cleft thawing on the counter more than 2 hours is not at a safe temperature\u2026\u201d Even though the dead turkey may still seem frozen, says the USDA, the outer skin of the dead creature \u201cis in the \u201cDanger Zone\u201d between 40 and 140 \u00b0F \u2014 at a temperature where foodborne bacteria multiply rapidly. Thank goodness for the FDA, eh? I wonder if the NSA spies on them? I mean dead turkeys, not the FDA.<\/p>\n

Anyway…<\/p>\n

Dead turkeys require a lot more fussing around with than I thought. Cats are quite comfortable and safe between 40 and 140 \u00b0F. Dogs? They\u2019re pretty comfy between 40 and 80 \u00b0F (sorry rest of the world, Americans are condescending and won’t use your metric system except in hospitals, funeral homes, and Starbucks). Anything hotter than that is hard on the dog’s tongue. Dead turkeys start to become volatile, lumpy bio hazards at 40 \u00b0F. This is something you need to consider carefully unless you live in an igloo, own a HazMat suit, or plan on feeding the bird to your in-laws. I\u2019m just kidding about your in-laws.<\/p>\n

On second thought, \u00a0you could probably give them the bird \ud83d\ude42<\/p>\n

While cats and dogs can pretty much be kept wherever you have room for them, Turkeys? Not so much. If you\u2019re thinking you\u2019ll just throw your dead turkey in the trunk and forget it, don\u2019t. I\u2019m serious about this. Here\u2019s what the USDA says, and I\u2019m not making this up: \u201cFrozen turkeys should not be left on the back porch, in the car trunk, in the basement, or any place else where temperatures cannot be constantly monitored.\u201d<\/p>\n

So forget about keeping your frozen dead turkey on your back porch or tossing him in the basement. Apparently government employees have done this and gotten sick or worse. Cats are comfortable in the basement or the back porch; dogs don\u2019t care much for basements, but do love back porches. Don\u2019t put your cat, dog, or dead turkey in the trunk. I put that last sentence there for PETA members. I don\u2019t like getting hate mail \u2013 it scares me.<\/p>\n

Despite Ben Franklin\u2019s colonial yearning to make the turkey the national bird, dead turkeys do not make good pets. Dead turkeys are edible though and quite good. If you decide to eat your dead gobbler you must understand that that it can become a deadly bacterial time bomb. In the interest of safety and in getting dead turkeys off your potential pets list and onto your table, here are some tips for you on how to thaw your dead frozen turkey so you won\u2019t get sick. These tips are doubly important if you\u2019re planning on serving your dead turkey to guests. Guests who become sick from eating your dead turkey may not only create a mess in your home, some will become litigious. If they do become litigious, you will become ill. So follow these guidelines that our government has published \u2013 we pay them a lot of money do things like this. I think it\u2019s time we got our money\u2019s worth.<\/p>\n

Here is what you\u2019ve been holding your breath for all these years: actually seeing your tax-dollars at work. And without further adieu, here are (some) of the USDA\u2019s Dead Turkey Tips \u2013 just in time for your Thanksgiving dinner preparations:<\/p>\n

\u201cSafe Methods for Thawing:<\/p>\n

Immediately after grocery store checkout, take the frozen turkey home and store it in the freezer. Frozen turkeys should not be left on the back porch, in the car trunk, in the basement, or any place else where temperatures cannot be constantly monitored.<\/p>\n

Refrigerator Thawing \u2013 When thawing a turkey in the refrigerator:<\/p>\n

Plan ahead: allow approximately 24 hours for each 4 to 5 pounds in a refrigerator set at 40 \u00b0F or below.<\/p>\n

Place the turkey in a container to prevent the juices from dripping on other foods.<\/p>\n

Refrigerator Thawing Times \u2013 Whole turkey:<\/p>\n

* 4 to 12 pounds \u2026\u2026 1 to 3 days
\n* 12 to 16 pounds \u2026\u2026 3 to 4 days
\n* 16 to 20 pounds \u2026\u2026 4 to 5 days
\n* 20 to 24 pounds \u2026\u2026 5 to 6 days<\/p>\n

A thawed turkey can remain in the refrigerator for 1 or 2 days before cooking. Foods thawed in the refrigerator can be refrozen without cooking but there may be some loss of quality.<\/p>\n

Cold Water Thawing \u2013 Allow about 30 minutes per pound. First be sure the turkey is in a leak-proof plastic bag to prevent cross-contamination and to prevent the turkey from absorbing water, resulting in a watery product. Submerge the wrapped turkey in cold tap water. Change the water every 30 minutes until the turkey is thawed. Cook the turkey immediately after it is thawed.<\/p>\n

Cold Water Thawing Times<\/p>\n

* 4 to 12 pounds \u2026\u2026 2 to 6 hours
\n* 12 to 16 pounds \u2026\u2026 6 to 8 hours
\n* 16 to 20 pounds \u2026\u2026 8 to 10 hours
\n* 20 to 24 pounds \u2026\u2026 10 to 12 hours<\/p>\n

A turkey thawed by the cold water method should be cooked immediately. After cooking, meat from the turkey can be refrozen.<\/p>\n

Microwave Thawing \u2013 Follow the microwave oven manufacturer\u2019s instruction when defrosting a turkey. Plan to cook it immediately after thawing because some areas of the food may become warm and begin to cook during microwaving. Holding partially cooked food is not recommended because any bacteria present wouldn\u2019t have been destroyed. A turkey thawed in the microwave must be cooked immediately\u2026.\u201d<\/p>\n

I kind of like the cold water method the best. You have more flexibility since you can thaw and store it for a while as opposed to the Microwave method, which gives your dead turkey hot spots. I remember when I was a young man I used to have a lot of hot spots, but those \u2013 I assure you \u2013 were never caused by a microwave.<\/p>\n

The cold water method can be the source of some really good, clean family fun. I\u2019m sure many of you ladies with families are familiar with the cold water method. I\u2019m sure many of you have recommended the cold water method to your husbands when he has hot spots.<\/p>\n

If you have small children and a really big dead turkey \u2013 let\u2019s say a turkey that weighs 30 pounds or more, you and your family could have fun for up to 15 hours changing the dead turkey\u2019s water.If the idea of changing the dead turkey\u2019s water every 30 minutes does not sound like good family fun to you, you could go to Ace Hardware \u2013 or Walmart and buy a small pump to change the water for you.<\/p>\n

If you have young children,you should probably buy a water pump. You don\u2019t want to make small children lift a thirty-pound turkey. The could become seriously injured. Never let a small child lift anything heavier than 8 pounds\u2013 it could cause serious injury \u2013 which is another danger the USDA didn\u2019t mention.<\/p>\n

You\u2019re probably wondering why I said 8 pounds. I\u2019ll tell you why: because kids can lift a gallon of milk, which weighs 8 pounds; I\u2019ve seen them do it. So please if you have a really big turkey, help your kids change the turkey\u2019s water. You will save them a lot of pain and help prevent back injuries and hernias.The cold-water method is really a good way of spending quality time with your children\u2026but you must do it safely or otherwise it won\u2019t be as fun. Never let a small child lift a thirty-pound dead turkey our of a dead-turkey-cold-water-bath. If you have small, fragile children, consider spending $30 and buying a small pump. It may save you money on doctor bills later on. Plus you can use the pump again in the summertime to set up a really nice fountain in your front yard.<\/p>\n

Putting a fountain in the front yard of your home not only adds to the beauty and resale value of your home, it can be an excellent source of revenue for your famlly in these financially difficult times \u2014 especially if you live in an affluent neighborhood. So if you want to earn extra money without doing hardly any work \u2014 and who doesn\u2019t? \u2014 put a fountain in your front yard. Do it next spring once the ground has thawed. Use the turkey-water pump you purchased at Thanksgiving to pump the water into and out of your fountain.<\/p>\n

Once your fountain is insalled and working, you\u2019ll need make a sign for your fountain. This is the key to earning money for doing hardly anything. To construct the sign, I suggest you use a piece of plywood about 3 feet wide and 2 feet high. The sign needs to contain a lot of important information. You may change the wording (below) to suit you, but don\u2019t leave off the legal disclaimer. If your plywood is ready to inscribe, then write the following on your sign \u2014 and please make it readable. You won\u2019t make nearly as much money if people can\u2019t read your sign.<\/p>\n

Are you ready? Here we go. Write this on your sign:<\/p>\n

\u201cWelcome to our Magical Wishing Fountain: Please follow these simple instructions and your chances of having your wishes granted will be greatly increased. Simply toss a coin (25 cents or larger please) into the fountain and make a wish. But please! Only one wish per coin. All wishes are granted on a first come, first served basis.The more coins you toss into our Magical Wishing Fountain, the better the chances of your wishes being granted.<\/p>\n

We are not responsible for broken dreams or unfulfilled wishes. We are not responsible if you get what you wished for and it turns out to be a pile of crap. We make no guarantee, expressed or implied, that your wishes will be granted. You agree you understand that if your wishes don\u2019t come true after tossing a coin or coins into our fountain, we are not liable for anything at all.<\/p>\n

WARNING! Tossing coins into this fountain may result in muscle strains, pulls, serious nerve damage, heart attacks, strokes, liver damage, appendicitis, dermatitus, or death. Falling into the fountain may result in serious injury, water damage or death. Do not throw coins into the fountain while having seizures or fits. Do not throw coins into this fountain while intoxicated. If you\u2019re on prescription medication check with your doctor before throwing coins in this foutain. Ask your doctor if you\u2019re healthy enough to throw coins.<\/p>\n

You understand there will be no refunds and no rain checks. Don\u2019t even think about suing us or your wishes, in the unlikely even they were granted, might turn into your worst nightmares. By tossing coins into this fountain you acknowledge that you have read, understand, and agree to all the terms of our Magical Fountain\u2019s safe-use policy. You also agree that we are not-responsible for anything. Nothing. You agree you are aware that you toss your coins and you take your chances. You also understand that you may well be literally throwing your money away, which is stupid. Thank you for stopping by. Thank you very much. Have a nice day! \u201d<\/p>\n

I digress, as I am so often wont to do\u2026<\/p>\n

It\u2019s also interesting to note that dogs and cats do not need their water changed every 30 minutes, which is another good reason they make better pets than dead turkeys. Additionally dogs and cats do not normally require pumps.<\/p>\n

WARNING! I\u2019m not a veterinarian and therefore I am not qualified to offer medical advice for your pets. So if your pet needs a pump someday, don\u2019t come back and tell me I\u2019m full of crap.<\/p>\n

But I am qualified, as a citizen of the United States to copy and paste USDA information and disseminate it as I see fit.<\/p>\n

I want to temper the information that I lifted from the USDA. I\u2019d like to give you some good news so as to mitigate terrifying information the USDA publishes about frozen turkeys. The good news \u2014 and the truth \u2014 is that I\u2019ve never known anyone who died from eating a dead turkey and I\u2019ll betcha you don\u2019t either. I\u2019ve never known anyone who has gotten even slightly ill from eating a dead turkey and you probably don\u2019t either. I don\u2019t even know anyone who\u2019s even gotten a little gas or a tiny bit of diarrhea from eating a dead turkey. To me this means our tax dollars, once again, either must have saved a lot people from an early grave \u2013 or that USDA\u2019s ponderous pamphlet about the dangers of eating improperly handled frozen dead turkeys is just a bunch of government hogwash.<\/p>\n

I am betting our grandparents used to leave turkeys lying around on the kitchen counter at room temperature for a couple of days before putting the birds in the oven. Of course I have no actual proof of this, except some fond memories of my Thanksgivings with my grandparents. Luckily my grandparents lived in the northern portions of the USA, where houseflies are pretty much gone by late November. So turkeys left lying around on the kitchen counter at room temperature often went unnoticed since were no flies to warn anyone of slightly moldering meat.<\/p>\n

Now I\u2019m wondering why we have no flies up here around the Great Lakes in November. I wonder if flies migrate like birds. Do those who live in warmer climes notice a huge influx of big, ugly flies from the North around Thanksgiving? I can\u2019t recall if flies die, hibernate or migrate. I\u2019ll have to look that up; it\u2019s bothering me that I don\u2019t know the answer.<\/p>\n

Getting back to dead turkeys and Thanksgiving\u2026<\/p>\n

I have known lots of people who have gotten sleepy from eating dead turkey and ended up lying around all over my house, snoring while the Detroit Lions lose another game to the Dallas Cowboys. I can\u2019t remember who actually plays on Thanksgiving, but both Detroit and Dallas begin with \u201cD\u201d and so does \u201cDead\u201d.<\/p>\n

You\u2019re probably reading this wondering when I might get to the point. Wonder no more.<\/p>\n

The last things you need to do before you put your dead turkey into your oven are:<\/p>\n

1. Chase the dog out of the kitchen \u2013 or put him in the basement. Dogs love turkey and you don\u2019t want your dog messing with your bird. There is nothing worse than having a dog constantly after your bird.<\/p>\n

2. Chase your cat out of the kitchen. Cats LOVE turkey and they\u2019ll pester you until you give them a piece. Don\u2019t. Put your cat in the garage until the turkey is safely in your oven. If you really love your cat and can\u2019t stand to see it beg, turkeys have things called giblets. A giblet is an organ that human\u2019s don\u2019t have and don\u2019t want. Giblets are little sacks of slick and slimy multifunctional organs that do all kinds of mysterious things inside a living turkey\u2019s body.<\/p>\n

Here\u2019s an interesting note. Back before Google, giblets were considered fit for human consumption. In fact our ancestors use to eat them every Thanksgiving. But now all of them are dead and we now have a pretty good idea of what might have contributed to their untimely demise. Also interesting is that our ancestors often (and foolishly) made merry by drinking egg nog \u2013 a deadly concoction of rum, cream and raw eggs. No doubt egg nog not only shortened the lives of our prickly forbears, but probably flat-out killed many of them too. What in Heaven\u2019s name was wrong with those people?<\/p>\n

Lucky for us modern folk, we live in the Information Age, and we have information aplenty. Now it only takes a click to learn the horrible truth about giblets. Give them to your cat or dog. Do not eat them. A good rule of thumb for healthy eating is to be sure you know the actual functions of any organs you intend to eat.<\/p>\n

3. Prepare the stuffing.<\/p>\n

I\u2019ll get into stuffing later.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Dead turkeys make lousy pets. And it’s really hard to care for something that doesn’t need anything because it’s dead. I mean, you can’t comfort it, or feed it, or nurse it back to health. But you will be surprised to learn that a dead turkey requires more care than a live one.And did you know that a\u2026 Read More »<\/a><\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[228],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.thundercloud.net\/infoave\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6519"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.thundercloud.net\/infoave\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.thundercloud.net\/infoave\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.thundercloud.net\/infoave\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.thundercloud.net\/infoave\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=6519"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/www.thundercloud.net\/infoave\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6519\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":6522,"href":"https:\/\/www.thundercloud.net\/infoave\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6519\/revisions\/6522"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.thundercloud.net\/infoave\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=6519"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.thundercloud.net\/infoave\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=6519"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.thundercloud.net\/infoave\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=6519"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}