TC circa 1858

Extra! Extra! Read All About It!

You knew it had to happen. If you’re going to lock someone in your basement, you need to at least feed them well. I’m so sick of eating oats and corn husks and milled gruffin I could …throw up. But no, EB won’t even let me do that. She gives me Castoria. It cures everything from worms to eructation and sour stomach…it promotes sleep. A sleeping TC is a quiet TC.

You don’t believe me, do you? Well it just so happens that EB left her office door open and I herby submit the following items that I found on her desk, as evidence of my continuing mistreatment at the hands of the draconian, EB:

Exhibit 1.

Above: The store where EB buys my feed. Ever tried boiled oil meal? Ask EB.

Exhibit 2.

Above: An ad for Castoria. She figures buying a bottle or two of Castoria is cheaper than calling a doctor or buying lamb chops, iced tea and tomatoes. Yes, it says for infants and children, but I am a child at heart. EB just triples the dose to ease my sagging belly. It promotes digestion. Where the heck would we be without digestion. You can hardly digest this article by now, can you? OK. OK. Now you’re all angry with me. What the heck is animal feed and Castoria doing in a computer newsletter?.

But wait, there’s more! We have information about piles (not Gomer), and a miracle cure for bronchitis. See?

Exhibit 3:

Need I say more? EB cut this advertisement out of the newspaper. What is she hiding?

Cure your piles (above): EB had this advertisement stuck between page 203 and 204 of a romance novel entitle “The Harlot on the Hudson” Apparently EB didn’t want anyone to find this clipping – who the heck but me would open a romance novel called “The Harlot on the Hudson”?

Exhibit 4:

EB scamming back int he late 1800’s. She is a travel agent for the railroads selling tickets to Florida to cure bronchitis. After her and her boyfriend Scott (at the time ) dreamed up this snake oil scheme.

After sneaking down south with her boyfriend and travel agency tycoon Scott DeRails, EB cooked up an ill-fated scheme to sell railroad tickets to coughing, phlegmy,  sick people, and promising to cure them by simply sending them to Florida and also selling then alligator insurance.

You don’t think I can tie all these things in to computers do you? Well, doubt me no more…watch this seamless segue…

Everything you used to be able to buy was probably at one time promoted in newspapers. Well, EB is a time traveler — among other things — and she knows how to go back in time and find newspapers from all the way back to the 1850’s — when she was a high-priced saloon dancer in Virginia City wearing red garters.

But you don’t need to be a time traveller to read newspapers from the past, I tells ya! Google’s ambitious, albeit now abandoned drive to scan all the newspapers ever printed (Yes! Really that’s what they wanted to do. See you can do this kind of stuff when you have more money than you can count and you can afford to smoke cigars made of $100 bills.) allows you to travel back to the 1800’s and see EB dancing on the bar in Virginia City shaking for the hooting crowd of wild men …or look at Castoria, grain elevator, piles and bronchitis ads. You can even buy a suit for $10, if you can find the darn store!

If you are the kind of person like TC, who has no life, and you are looking for oodles of interesting, sometimes funny, sometimes nostalgic, and sometimes frightening things to read, then you’ll want to visit

https://news.google.com/newspapers 

Oh yes, I almost forgot. Allow yourself time… this archive of newspapers past contains over 60 million pages. That’s even more pages than War and Peace. What’s that you say, EB? What is War and Peace? It’s a ponderously long, boring book written by Tolstoy written to intentionally bore students out of their minds and turn them away from reading for the rest of their natural lives, thus keeping the masses stupid and easily controlled.

If you find an ad for cheap salmon, would you kindly send it to EB?

(Nice segue, TC! Thank you!)