An Ancient Soul Restless and Yearning
I’m old and certainly not very cool. I don’t know that I ever was. I don’t belong here in the age of selfies, but I’m not so sure I belonged in the age of transistor radios either.
I don’t understand selfie sticks selfie lights or selfie filters. I don’t understand the ego behind selfies. I grew up in the age when Polaroid cameras were all the rage, but I don’t remember anyone taking selfies and passing them around.
I don’t understand why anyone needs a life trainer. Do you. I’m lost in this age of instant gratification made instantly instantaneous with the swipe of a smartphone. What do the unattractive? Unpopular and unwanted feel like in these days of selfies and life trainers? How do they escape? How do they feel? How do they cope?
I think I know.
Even when I was young, I lived in a different world than my peers. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because of my “ancient soul”. When I was seventeen years old one of my best friends at the time told me I had an ancient soul. He told me I came from another time and another place. That I was like trapped for centuries.
At the time I found it off-putting; I didn’t take it as a compliment. I tried to find a different soul and chose a lifestyle of which I’m not proud. I did things then that were contrary to everything I knew to be right and good. I battled my ancient soul because I hated being different.
I’m far past seventeen now and I’ve become comfortable with my ancient soul. I find peace and comfort in the little pleasures of life: a good book, watching the greening of spring, listening to the wind and imagining sailing on a vast ocean without a destination, or just watching people pass by. I never really fit in when I was seventeen. It very much did make me uncomfortable then, but it does not make me uncomfortable in the least now.
I see the world differently than others see it. I sometimes withdraw too far into myself and don’t often give good people a chance. I have many faults – an ancient soul offers no protection from making mistakes or making misguided decisions.
Sometimes I’m the ancient mariner the town crier or a baker of bread in a small colonial town. Most of the time though, I spend observing the behavior of people as they hurry from somewhere to somewhere else, and I am bewildered. People texting, taking pictures of themselves and others, updating their social networking pages, or tweeting about some new coffee-based drink at Starbucks. They’re connected 24/7 — and seem so lost when they’re not connected. I wonder what can possibly be so great about being connected to someone, sometimes anyone, all the time.
Why is anything new, good, and everything old, or bad? I just don’t understand it. And I don’t think I ever will. In order to supply us with all things new, the Earth is plundered and human beings exploited. The factories in China are alive with the sounds of misery and sadness, with the sounds of twelve-year-old children working fourteen-hour days, with the sounds of fathers and mothers working for $2.00 a day to make your next pair of $200 running shoes or your next smartphone or tablet… or laptop or PC…or shirt, or pants, or…
I’ll bet all these people I see rushing about today, texting and trying to stay constantly connected, don’t really give a damn about who made their smartphone or tablet. They don’t look into their screens and see the sweat and sadness of the children who toiled long days to make it; they don’t give a thought about the sweat of mothers and fathers and children by whose hands the devices that connect them were made. They see only the smiling face of a new boyfriend or girlfriend – or the tweet from a “friend” about the trendy new restaurant where they are having dinner.
So abused and overused, the word friendship has lost its meaning; the word love is so ubiquitous that it means the same as the word like. To be seen and to be seen and never be disconnected from someone, anyone, everyone, is the new mobile mantra. The world is all about the image we project and seldom about the substance within. Self-worth and self-esteem come from the outside and not from the inside in this new age of technology.
The fashions we wear, the shoes on our feet, and the devices that keep us connected to a loose and unfathomable web of “friends” were almost certainly fashioned by the exploited poor and underprivileged. Our appetite for the things we desire and think we need to create the hunger that those who pillage the Earth and destroy its beauty and exploit its people happily and greedily feed.
We live in a world of the instantaneous. There’s an instant feel-good for everything. No one needs to suffer anything anymore – or at least for very long. For every pain or sorrow or ache technology offers a panacea. If we’re hungry, there’s instant food. If we’re down, there’s a pill for an instant up. If we’re tired there’s an instant stimulant. If we’re lonely all we need to do is create a profile on a dating site and instantly have our egos assuaged and our loneliness cured by anyone, someone, it doesn’t matter who.
As soon as our profile goes up we get attention immediately because someone — anyone — will connect with us and ease our emptiness and loneliness. Or so we think. And if the image we project is good enough, we will never have to worry about anything substantial. In this world of illusion and image — image is all that matters.
Attractiveness is the universal aphrodisiac.
Yet, with all this instantaneous gratification available to us, we still may end up empty and aching — and not ever know why. There is a hollowness to all this that is almost tangible to me. I feel it everywhere, as if we’re all empty shells, all so worried about being filled that we don’t really stop and think of what we are being filled with.
We’ve become slaves to the instant world we’ve created.
This new age has created so many new and deeper kinds of sadness and emptiness and it’s contributing to an epidemic of low self-esteem. Loyalty means little, integrity is for moralists, fun is wherever you find it, and instant gratification is just a mouse click or tap on a tablet away. But there’s one thing missing in this connected world and that is happiness. The more we seek instant happiness the more we discover how elusive happiness can be.
We’ve lost our ability to enjoy the pleasures of being alone. We are too busy with all our toys and trying to stay connected that we seldom stop to enjoy the beauty of the world around us or the inner peace that we can find in the serenity of silence.
We’ve become addicted to being constantly connected. We’ve become terrified of being alone. We’ve forgotten how to love ourselves.
I didn’t see anyone today who looked the least bit happy. Everyone seemed too busy staying connected to be happy. They seemed lost in a world that doesn’t really exist and too busy to think about the important things — like who made that iPhone they’re using? What kind of miserable exploitation is that poor child enduring? Does that child even have enough to eat?
If you mention this to someone they’ll tell me there’s nothing they can do about it – it’s just how things are. They will hardly look up from their iPads or smartphones to give it any thought let alone give me a thoughtful answer. There’s nothing I can do about it, it’s just how things are.
The exploitation of mankind didn’t begin in this new age, but it is alive and growing in the sweatshops of China. And the products of this immoral exploitation of children and mothers and fathers end up in the hands of us, the connected. I wonder who is happier? The child in the sweatshop or the person with the smartphone? The child’s unhappiness and sorrow are real and understandable and not by his or her own choice. Maybe that guy over there using his smartphone is unhappy because he didn’t receive his daily quota of texts from his friends. Or the girl over there may be grieving because the guy she met yesterday hasn’t called her yet today.
I don’t know the answer. All I know is the world makes less and less sense to me than it did when I was seventeen. Maybe trying to behave the way everyone expected me to insulated me for a while, but it never made me happy.
It’s not that I haven’t embraced technology. I have and I’m very good with it. I know more about computers and the Internet than most. And I’m a hypocrite because I’m typing on a computer most likely made by some exploited ten-year-old girl working fourteen-hour days in some inhumane and horrid sweatshop in Indonesia. And I think — I’m typing these words on that poor little girl’s tears.
We’re all hypocrites, but I don’t want to be. If I could travel anywhere in time and space I’d be living in the 18th century making candles or shoes or tending a general store. Or alone by the sea in a lighthouse keeping mariners away from the rocky shoals on some dark foggy night.
I often wonder how much people would want to connect after spending the day washing laundry by hand, plowing fields with plows pulled by horses, or canning enough vegetables to last a long, cold winter. I wonder if they would know themselves better. I wonder if they would become more comfortable with their own inner voice instead of needing the feedback of everyone else to feel worthwhile.
One thing is for sure — the more I see of this new age, the less comfortable I become. Where can I find substance in an increasingly superficial world? It is no wonder that happiness has to be created from moment to moment – and never seems to last. Happiness is created from moment to moment because it can be — technology has made it possible.
Yes, I’m a hypocrite but I don’t want to be. I see a world disconnected even as its people become more connected. People are lost in a vast maze of interconnectivity where everyone is connected but no one really is.
New is better. Old is worse. That goes for everything — technology and people too. People aren’t so willing to work out problems with their husbands or wives or girlfriends of boyfriends. If they aren’t like we want them to be we can switch them out with a click. Not many consider that the new becomes the old and then, of course, we will have to switch them out for something newer.
I’m typing this on a computer made in a dreary, dirty sweatshop. This instrument of technology was fashioned by the tired hands of an exploited mother, father, or child.
Yes, I’m a hypocrite too.
I’m a hypocrite but I’m not at all comfortable with it. I wish there were still lighthouse keepers — I’d apply for the job right now. Alone in a lighthouse on the shore of a lake — with the sound of the waves would be the only connection I’d need; I’d be connected to the sea, connected to the Earth. Surrounded by good books, I imagine myself looking out into a dark November night seeing the ship in the distance and feeling worthwhile because I’m the one who will keep that ship from running aground on the rocky reefs in the bay. I’d be alone on the sea, but I’d never be lonely.
In a world where image is far more important than substance, I feel alone and isolated. Who understands the thoughts of an ancient soul?
My ancient soul is restless and yearning.
And I know exactly why.
THANK YOU iii
Happy New Year from an ancient soul from Belgium.
I determined a long time ago that you have been given the gift of writing. I strive to write meaningful essays that will resonate with those who choose to read them. As a newly turned 76-year old I can completely identify with your essay. I’ll never forget the talk my high school principal gave at my graduation. He said to not do or say anything unless it had meaning. I will now think of those poor young souls that make our phones, computers et al every time I use them. And I’ll wonder who my “ancient soul” was.
This is the best thing I have read in a long time. I too am old. I grew up in a time that we worked to live. We walked to school. We came home and changed our school clothes. Then we had chores to do. No internet, smart phones, not even a telephone or tv. We eat food grown in our garden and cooked on a wood stove. I could go on and on about the good old days. As a child I could go so many places and see so many things by just reading a book. Thanks for the essay.
While I understand your bewilderment TC, I don’t think the issue is quite there. After nearly 90 years on this earth and 62 years of marriage, several months ago I decided to simply be happy. That’s a choice because I’ve been on the other end and finally concluded it takes too much energy to be sad, hateful, revengeful. I am still quite happy right this moment despite falling and breaking a hip a week before Christmas. That was no fun and still is not. I’d much prefer to be walking about as I did before but I’m also taking great pleasure from simply being able to stand to begin to walk about. A long time ago I heard it said that Life is what you make of it. With a few caveats, I am learning the veracity of that comment every day. It is not hypocritical to place ourselves between opposites and then not know which way to turn. It is hypocritical to choose to stay there for fear of making a wrong decision or because one cannot simply think. As I lay in the middle of the apartment’s icy parking lot, my first thought was to see if I could up — NO. So then, what next? Call for help. Amazingly two angels suddenly appeared, a delivery service driver and a neighbor. They did get me up but we quickly settled on the ER folks. After that, I was an interested specimen. Okay, no problem. I was still me and happy. And, since the surgery, no pain. There is a lot wrong with our world and many problems cry out for fixing. Your 10-year-old in Indonesia putting computers together for a non-life sufficient wage. That leads to an impossible situation as we try to know how she feels. We can’t. We can deplore her situation but we make a dangerous assumption when we assume she is sad. In the same situation, we would scream our lungs out but she doesn’t know our situation any better than we know hers. That does not make her situation known to us even as we deplore her situation. I’m sorry TC, I didn’t intend to go off on a full-blooded sermon. I pray your New Year will be filled with great joys and mighty Blessings. /s/ Deacon Bernie
I’ve always felt like I was “in” the world, but never quite part of it. When I was little, I remember seeing other children at school, carefree and lost in play. Meanwhile, I was by myself, deep in thought, wondering why I wasn’t like those other children. Like you, I never fit in with the rest of the crowd during my teens. I always thought there must be something fundamentally wrong with me that made me so different from most people I knew. My thinking, choice of activities and values were different and, like you, I was told I was an “old soul”. While others my age were focused on the here and now, the latest “thing”… I was focused inward. I could often be found visiting my parents’ older neighbors. I loved to listen to them tell stories of what life was like when they were growing up, and it always made me feel nostalgic for something that I, myself, had never experienced.
After many years, I finally discovered that I had always been an introvert. Introverts are in the minority in human society. We can often feel out of touch with the rest of the world because what introverts see all around them- movies, TV, marketing, and the majority of people- do not reflect the inner workings and reality that we, as introverts, experience. Introverts are often misunderstood by extroverts, understandably perhaps. We see things from a different perspective; we value different things. Introverts, though alone more, have a rich inner life given to introspection, self-reflection, and deep thought. We tend to value one-on-one deep conversations more than being in a group and inner substance more than “things”. We recharge by being alone and quiet, rather than by being around others as introverts do.
Humans are supremely prone to cognitive dissonance… I, too, sit here at a laptop, all the while somewhat disgusted at the overblown importance of much of the technology in today’s world and to where it has led and leads, us.
You’ve discovered what many introverts finally do, which is that being alone is not the same as being lonely. Even though you may feel alone in your outlook, be assured that there ARE others around the world who feel this way too! Oftentimes we don’t realize it, by sheer virtue of the fact that most introverts keep to themselves. I think that introverts and extroverts are both important in human society. I think of extroverts as the go-getters, the doers. Meanwhile, as the rest of the world goes flying by, we introverts keep things grounded, rooted, stabilized, balanced, and anchored. We are the record-keepers of humanity.
I hope this resonates with you. Sometimes it helps just to know that you are in good company.
“We’ve lost our ability to enjoy the pleasures of being alone. We are too busy with all our toys and trying to stay connected that we seldom stop to enjoy the beauty of the world around us or the inner peace that we can find in the serenity of silence.
We’ve become addicted to being constantly connected. We’ve become terrified of being alone. We’ve forgotten how to love ourselves.” – TC
You may have just helped me with a problem I am sometimes experiencing. . .Never before did I have my cell phone so close by me as I did before. I moved from a house to an apartment this past year and although I think it’s just what I needed, everything on one floor, I often feel more alone because I am higher from the ground and living in a corner unit and feel ‘closed in’. When I awake in the morning, I usually have great plans – go out for a walk, call a friend and go for a visit, etc. and then I reach for the cell phone beside me. I was never like that before but as I’ve gotten older, it feels that I always have someone close to me if I pick up my phone.
I agree with you about what you say about the children in far away lands, doing slave labor for you and I to have our ‘playthings’ but at this point couldn’t be without. Oh I would love to hear your reply to Deacon Bernie if you choose to do so. lol!
I wish you and Darcy a very Happy and Healthy New Year and thank you again for all that you both do for myself and all members.
I am surprised and a little saddened that no one who has written or replied here has mentioned the answer: we are not alone in the universe. There is a being….God…..who made us the way we are and offers us the hand of happiness, fulfillment and love. He offers us relationship with Him. He offers us peacefulness in our souls, not alienation, age, fear or bewilderment.
This God, the ONLY God, knows our deep secrets, our loneliest days and our desperate desire to connect to Him, even if we don’t understand why, we understand the effect of being without Him.
He knows that the world offers us a promise of joy and success and high honor from our fellow man (souls). He knows that what the world offers us is shallow, fleeting, and designed to lift us up only to abandon us in defeat the next minute.
There is no substitute for the real joy we get from relationship with God and nothing that can fill that deep hole within us like forgiveness of our sins, which God offers freely to all who repent. Jesus stands at the door and knocks. Opening a heart to Him dims the disappointment the world offers and replaces it with what we were meant to have all along….the joy of knowing that we are forgiven of those things that weigh us down and convict us of our sins, renewed in spirit, and held close by a Father who’s love has no conditions.
There is the world, as described so eloquently above, that can only result in emptiness and sorrow, and then there is the quiet, loving hand of the Father reaching out to us to end our pain and our sorrows.
As deep as one can experience and describe a lonely and isolated existence, there is no reason to spend a life in this condition. We were made to share joy, love, and peace with each other and our Father, but not in this world.
This world will never offer those things we instinctively long for. I pray the spirit of God visits anyone who reads this and wishes to make a change in their life so they can hear the voice of the father and answer his calling to walk out into the light and discard the darkness of the world.
Thank you TC for this remarkable and relatable essay. You indeed have a way with words.
Getting old for most of us isn’t much fun, but at least we can be thankful for what has been our God given lot.
I’m grateful for the continued love of my husband of 62 years, who continues to do what he can for me, and for the love of my children and grandchildren.
May God go with you as you continue to write these wonderful essays.
Godbless
Margaret