Friends, Once

Friends, Once

At first, I lied to myself. I tried to believe it didn’t matter that our friendship was over. Sometimes, I make things more complicated than they need to be.

We were good friends, and then we weren’t. It’s really that simple.

It’s a bit like getting a terminal diagnosis. First, you deny it. Then, you try to rationalize it. Eventually, you realize you just have to accept it.

We were friends. Then, suddenly, in a matter of minutes, we weren’t. I still can’t truly accept it, but I see now that I have no choice.

You like to think it’s my fault our friendship ended. And yes, I wasn’t completely honest with you. That’s true. You had every right to be angry, and I suppose, because of it, you felt you had the right to end things.

Me? I prefer to believe it’s your fault, because after all this time, you still haven’t truly forgiven me. Of course, you’ll say you have, but that’s not the truth. You just like to tell yourself that because it makes you feel better.

You claim we’re friends, and that you still think of me as one, but you don’t talk to me. You refuse to. You won’t even reply to my emails or letters. How can you possibly say we’re friends when that’s how it is? I don’t think that’s how friends behave.

And I don’t think you do either, deep down.

You and I used to talk about friendship a lot. We’d often laugh about how watered down the words “friendship” and “love” have become over the years. Social media, especially Facebook, turned “friend” into a meaningless label for anyone from strangers to your closest confidants.

But here’s the thing, my friend: true friendship is never conditional.

I don’t want a friend who says, “I’ll be your friend if…” We live in a conditional world. Pay your bills on time, and you get good credit, and you can buy more things. Don’t pay, you get bad credit, you’re a “deadbeat.” Pay, you’re worthy; don’t, you’re not. Most things in life work that way. They’re conditional. But love and friendship? They should never be.

Real friendship isn’t easy. We can’t always be what someone expects. Sooner or later, one of us will let the other down. Neither of us is perfect; nobody is. I can’t always meet your expectations, and you can’t always meet mine. But true friendship rises above expectations; it’s never conditional. If you robbed a bank, I’d visit you in jail. I’d write you letters. I would still be your friend, no matter what. That’s what real friendship is supposed to be. But that kind of friendship is rare now.

Sometimes, we have to go through immense suffering and difficult, turbulent times to truly discover who our friends are. It’s how you separate the genuine from the superficial.

Now, I don’t know if I’d visit you or write if you were in jail. I want to believe I would, but I’d never truly know unless it happened. I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t visit or write me if I were. I can’t even get you to talk to me now.

I’m still paying for my past mistakes with you. Were we ever truly friends, or did we just keep each other company, filling time and empty space?

Oh, yes, we shared a million laughs. We laughed our way through springs, summers, winters, and autumns. Through rainy days and sunny ones. I can still hear the echoes of your laughter in my mind. It’s a bit faded now, tinged with sadness. And time has diluted it with loneliness and tears.

Sometimes, we think friendship has to lead somewhere—more time together, marriage, living communally, walks in an autumn forest holding hands. But there we go again with those dreaded conditions. Friendship and love are journeys, not destinations. Love and friendship are never conditional. Maybe we had a little of both love and friendship, but not enough of either to last.

You’re over there, and I’m still standing here.

Isn’t it odd?
Does this seem fair?
All our laughter
Has turned to despair.

I suppose I’ll try to be graceful and say I’ll remember our friendship as a good thing, a good time in my life. One that should have lasted forever. You’ll say I cut it short, and I’ll say you did. And then we both have the nerve to wonder why the world is the way it is.

Sometimes when you walk away from something, you learn nothing, and that’s a waste. Other times, you walk away and learn a great deal; it was worth something. Sometimes you lose something irreplaceable and never miss it at all. Sometimes you lose something irreplaceable, and there’s a hole in your life forever that nothing and no one else can ever fill.

When you walked away, you left a hole in my life that nothing and no one can ever fill. I’ve learned to live with it, but I will never like it.

But all this pain and sorrow haven’t been wasted. I’ve learned a lot. I’ve learned who my friends are and who they aren’t. I’ve learned what love is and what it isn’t. I’ve learned what friendship is and what it isn’t.

I hope I’m wrong about you. I hope you’ll forgive me, and I hope, in the end, we can share a laugh again.

I’m tired of hearing nothing but echoes.