If Something Happens to Me (Avoiding the “D” word)

By | May 25, 2023
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If Something Happens to Me (Avoiding the “D” Word)

The other day I was talking to one of my sons and I said something like “If something happens to me”. I told him something I wanted him to do in the event of my demise.

The older I get the more references I make to my eventual demise. I really don’t know if my demise is eventual, imminent, or impending. I’m an old man – but even the young don’t know. All I know is we’re all given so many days on this earth and none of us know how many days we have — which at least makes it interesting. It would be awful – for me at least – to know the date of my demise. I mean I think I’d waste too much time focusing on that date or putting things off if the date was in the distant future.

One thing is for sure, I’m an old man and I don’t have a “distant future”. As I’ve said, my demise is eventual, impending, or imminent and I can only hope it’s still in the eventual category.

But what I want to talk about today is our use of euphemisms when it comes to our own demise or the demise of others close to us. We go to extreme measures to avoid the use of the words dead, died, death, and dying unless we’re talking about strangers, those we don’t like, or mass casualties.

For instance: 80 Dead in Yesterday’s Earthquake

If Aunt Millie died yesterday, she is not dead. She did not die, She “passed away” or “passed on”. If 60 people died in a plane crash yesterday, trust me, they’re dead.

So, why do we avoid using the words dead, dying, death, and died, when referring to the death of those close to us? I don’t mean to sound crass, but if Aunt Millie passed away she’s certainly dead. Deader than a doornail even if we say she passed away.

I do it, you do it, and most of us do it. And most of us, when referring to our own eventual death never say… “Hey Mac, when I’m dead, you can have my riding lawnmower…” We say “Hey Mac, if something happens to me you can have my riding lawnmower”.

When you think about it, “If something happens to me” is a rather nebulous thing to say. Lots of things could happen to me:

I could have a root canal.
I could win the lottery.
I could get my foot caught in the blade of a lawnmower
I could win a fruit basket at the local Moose Club.
I could have a new grandchild.
I could get stuck in the snow.
I could get struck by lightning and survive.
I could lose the rest of my hair.
I could eat some food tainted with botulism.
I could get bitten by a rattlesnake.
I could win the lottery.
I could fall through the ice on Sandusky Bay and get hypothermia.

So we don’t really mean “if something happens to me” – something is always happening to me. When we say “if something should happen to me”, we mean… If (when) I die. When I’m dead. When I’m dead and gone.

We have always tried to avoid the words dead or died. Here are some euphemisms we use in place of the “D” words…

Kicked the bucket
Dirt nap
Bought a one-way ticket
Had his or her ticket pulled
Bit the dust
Bought the farm
Shuffled off this mortal coil (Shakespeare fans)
Was called home
Slipped away
Resting in peace
Pushing up daisies
Passed away
Passed on
Is in a better place
Faded away
Dropped off
Six feet under
Met his/her maker
With the angels
Gone to Heaven

You can say he or she did any of those things, but no matter whether they croaked, went to meet their maker, are now with the angels, slipped away, pushing up daisies – he or she is still dead. They didn’t pass away, they did not fade away, they did not bite the dust: They died.

But for some reason, I say (more often these days)… ‘If something happens to me, please do this or that… or you can have this or that, or please make sure that this or that is done. Everyone knows when someone says, “If something should happen to me” they mean… “When I die” or “When I’m dead”. But no one likes to say “when I die” or “when I’m dead” because it has such dark or happy connotations – depending on how one lived his or her life. It would be much nicer to shuffle off the mortal coil knowing one was headed to Heaven than if one were taking the elevator down to the ferry to cross the River Styx.

But how do you know for sure? I’m not going to assume anything when it comes to eternity, so I’m going to keep on saying “If something happens to me” instead of “when I croak”, “when I kick the bucket”, “when I buy the farm”… or “when I die”.

So, if something happens to me you can have my…

6 thoughts on “If Something Happens to Me (Avoiding the “D” word)

  1. Damie Simons

    I just really like all of your essays on oh so many subjects. I Don know if I was supposed to laugh at this one but parts of it gave me a good laugh. Since all my heart surgery on Nov 23 and released on 24th but then rescue had to rush me back to emergency room where I came close to dying. I now have a nice little pacemaker. And I’m like the little Energizer bunny, just keep on going. LOL
    Please keep on putting more essays out. You do good and I know that I’m not the only one who enjoys reading them.

  2. Lainey

    We must be about the same age……….. my thoughts exactly!

  3. Mark Bajorek

    Thanks for all your perceptive and entertaining essays.
    In his later years, my father sometimes told the anecdote about the old man who read the daily obituaries to see if his name was there. I’m within a few years of his age of death at 80 and find myself confronted with the inevitable as he did.
    I’ve found this quote by Marcus Aurelius a reasonable compromise to any hope of understanding the reason for our existence: “Live a good life. If there are gods and they are just, they will not care how devout you have been, but will welcome you based on the virtues you have lived by. If there are gods, but unjust, then you should not want to worship them. If there are no gods, then you will be gone, but will have lived a noble life that will live on in the memories of your loved ones.” -Marcus Aurelius, philosopher and writer (121-180)

  4. Debra

    Oh, sweetie, I have some years on you. I talk to my great grandchildren every week via Facebook or whatever it is. They sing, dance, read, tell me what is going on in their lives. It amazes me that we are totally across the US from each other but I can be a part of their lives. Even more so that they want to see me and tell me this. I have had a sit down with them all and explained and read my will to them. I want them to know that we all die, sooner or later, but it’s inevitable. It’s not bad, it’s just a fact of life. I want them to be prepared as I am leaving everything of value (land/home) to them equally. I’m spending every cent I have, what little that may be, but what has value (property) will be theirs. They can rent it, live in it, sell it…so long as it’s equal and agreed upon unanimously. I won’t be around, so I don’t worry how that ends. I just know that if they can’t agree, their grandfather gets it all and they get nothing. Should be interesting. LOL I digress… it’s okay to get older. It’s okay to say ‘when I’m dead or when I’m gone’ and have then understand you will be leaving them. That’s life. It’s heart crushing to some, welcome by others, but a fact. You are a good person, you will be a loving memory of many. We are of a species, the human species, that has a life expectancy like all other animals in nature. We do our job the best we can, love, procreate if possible and live a good, caring and giving life. It’s all good. Life today your best. There are no do overs.

  5. Judy

    I for one will miss you “IF something happens to you, guess I should say “WHEN something happens to you. I just always hope that those whom I’m dependent upon, in your case, to keep my computer running smoothly. will outlast me. I’ve never really wanted to live to be 100, and every day another part goes out, I think I’m getting closer. Don’t get me wrong, I want to live as long as I can take care of myself, but after that, I don’t mind checkin out. I’ve tried to live my life so as not to fear the after, knowing where you’re going helps. But I ALWAYS love your essays, and all the help you’ve given us through the years. So please don’t try to beat me to the finish line, cause I NEED YOU!

    1. infoave Post author

      You made me laugh, Judy… love this line… “I’ve never really wanted to live to be 100, and every day another part goes out”.
      Amen, Judy! LOL


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