Me: The Romance Novel Hero!

Me: The Romance Novel Hero!

I read a lot of books. I don’t often get books from the library because I seldom remember to take them back. I’ve paid too many $50.00 fines. Now, I just buy books; it’s cheaper. I buy a lot of books – mostly used paperbacks and ebooks because I’m cheap. And poor.

However, I have also purchased a few hardback books over the years; most of them were for display purposes. I like to appear erudite. I love to fill my bookshelf with books I’ve never read so I appear well-read and scholarly to those who visit my home.

Nobody visits… but just in case.

This could be a real ego-booster. I dream about visitors coming to my house and catching sight of my well-stocked bookshelf, envying my collection of leather-bound books with enigmatic titles like “The Reproductive Cycle of Canadian Fresh Water Lobsters: An Abstract.” I can almost hear them gasp in amazement and drool with admiration. I would be so puffed with pride.

But as I said, I never have visitors to my home unless you want to count the cable guy who comes to fix my cable Internet six or seven times a month. He’s been here so many times that he makes his own coffee. I don’t think he reads many books, though. I’m not even sure he knows how to read. I’m not even sure he knows how to fix my Internet connection – but he does make a great cup of coffee.

Anyway, forgive my digression.

I live in a very small town. Unlike those who live in big cities, my paperbacks don’t come from those big mall bookstore stores or Amazon; they come from Rachel’s Used Book Store & Sewing Gear or Shezzy’s Cheap Books and Morgue Equipment. Mostly Shezzy’s because they have more books, and it’s fun looking at the morgue equipment too. But I do get some from Amazon if they are on sale, or from free ebook sites. But Shezzy’s is my favorite.

Whether I support my local used-book store depends on Rachel.  Rachel Shezzy: Proprietor. And whether or not she’s been spending more time on the morgue side of her business or the book side. If she’s been on the morgue side, the books can be disorganized and miscategorized, and it’s hard to find anything. Imagine seeing “Mein Kampf” in the Romance section, for example. So, shopping at Shezzy’s for books depends on the day and whether Rachel’s in a morgue mood or reading mood.

Walmart also has a book section. Lately, however, Walmart seems to be pandering to lonely women and teens rather than astute, erudite readers such as myself. Their Romance section has doubled in size in the time it took me to finish “The Road” by Cormac McCarthy.

Why didn’t my mom and dad name me Cormac? What a name for a Romance novel hero… Cormac McMusky.

If nothing else, I’m curious. I’m sorry for my pleonasm, it’s hereditary.

Let me tell you about the last time I went to Walmart in search of a book to read – before the pandemic, when one could walk into Walmart without risking one’s life.

I picked up a few Romance novels and read the descriptions on the back covers. I hate to say this, but when I read the descriptions of the heroes of these books, I felt as if they were talking about Moi! Yours truly!

All the heroes of these Romance novels appear to be the same guy – a guy much like me. These heroes all have flowing hair, well-sculpted chests, six-pack abs, bulging biceps, and steel-blue eyes that melt women’s hearts. Well, what can I say? I have to admit I felt that these Romance novelists were writing about me!

I don’t like wearing shirts either. 

I notice that almost all Romance novelists are women. Why is that? After reading the descriptions of the Romance novels’ main male characters, I began suspecting that the neighbor lady (Brenda, if you must know) is a Romance novelist. I can picture Brenda with binoculars ogling me while I mow my lawn shirtless, beads of glistening, masculine sweat rolling down my bare, smooth, tanned, muscular chest. Sorry about all the adjectives, it’s just hard to describe my manliness without them.

I’m quite sure the sight of me mowing my lawn, shirtless and sweating with my long, golden Adonis-like locks blowing in the breeze, has inspired many of her Romance novels. You know, I think I’m on to something here. Her husband, Bob, has been laid off for over a year, but last week they traded in their Ford SUV for a new Lexus SUV.  I think Brenda just churned out another Romance novel under her pseudonym of Lucy Lovehorn, and it was a hit.

I’m proud to say that I’m pretty sure that I inspired it!

I’m sitting here shirtless writing this – hang on, let me open the curtains and turn on a light – it might be a good time to inspire Brenda to write another romance novel. No doubt Brenda has binoculars in hand. When she sees that my curtains are open, I’m sure she’ll point those binoculars toward me and start glassing me – gasping in delight.

It’s hard to be a Romance novel hero model like me. I’d rather be a real Romance novel hero. They can do all sorts of things that would land normal guys in jail. For instance, when Romance novel heroes toss women up against walls, the women get excited and beg for more. I can tell you this…  in my little town, the sheriff would be slapping cuffs on the guy and hauling him away to the county jail for sixty days of penance.

These Romance novel heroes toss women around like rag dolls, and the women beg for more. These guys are always sweaty, covered with dirt from digging holes, unshaven, and never get a haircut — yet the women can’t resist them.

These guys don’t even own shirts, and women melt in their arms. Romance novel heroes always come in from working in the hot sun – they’re always digging something – fence posts, drainage ditches, graves, or just plain old holes – and they always come into the farmhouse for a drink of “water”. Of course, the lady of the house’s husband is always in New York on business, and when the burly hunk comes in for water, all hell breaks loose.

But really, these guys must stink, and they’re dirty (now, I don’t mean it that way!). They’re smelly, dirty, and unkempt, but they drive women wild.

I think it’s time that we regular guys started reading Romance novels and busting it out with weights at the gym. Why waste time taking showers, getting haircuts, or shaving? We should use that time to lift weights, work out, and drink beer. Who needs to shave anyway? Who needs to waste time taking showers? And, really, who needs to sit in Pinky’s Barber Shop for 45 minutes listening to Pinky extol the virtues of bass fishing?

We men are bigger fools than the women already think we are. All this time, we thought showering, shaving, and haircuts made us look more desirable and attractive. All we need are bulging muscles, sweaty bodies, blue eyes (Note: Buy ice-blue contacts), a little dirt smeared on us, and a musky, funky smell.

And here we all this time that ladies wanted to be treated like ladies. Ha! We need to band together and start reading Romance novels to learn how women really think. Maybe we’ll never have to open a car door again.

Or take a shower again. Or shave again.

I’m going to buy a membership to the gym. I’m going to throw away my shower soap. I’m going to toss my razor. I’m going to go out and dig holes and get sweaty and dirty.  I’m going to sweat and work up a nice, stinky, musky body odor. Then I’m going to slip on my new blue contacts and go find work on a ranch owned by a lonely, RICH, lonely, golf widow.

And then, I’m going to write about it. That’s right! I’m going to write a Romance novel — that’s exactly what I’m going to do.