Come to My Anti Super Bowl Party
For one brief but ugly moment last week I deserted the cynic inside me. I left the comfort of cynicism intoxicated by the sweet poison of hope. Don’t worry. I’m back in full vigor now. No more rose-colored glasses for me. There is comfort in cynicism. I have my blankie back. I am my old cynical self again.
This Sunday is “Super Bowl Sunday”. I notice that restaurants and some stores in my little town are closing early because of it. I find it odd that Bob Evans, which closed at 8:00PM on Christmas Eve, is closing at 7:00PM on Super Bowl Sunday. The sign on the door says “We will be closing at 7:00 PM on Sunday, February 1, 2014 for the Super Bowl.” The store where I buy my daily newspaper also has a sign on its door. The sign reads: “We will be closing at 8:00 PM on Sunday, February 1, 2015 for the Super Bowl.” That same store closed at 10:00 PM on Christmas Eve. You have to love this.
And about those commercials…Those commercials cost millions of dollars per minute. Do you think Budweiser, PepsiCo, and the other advertisers are actually paying for those? Really? They’re not, you know. You’re paying for those. Every dollar they spend gets figured into their cost of doing business and when the cost gets too high and their profits get too low they’ll raise the price of their products and you’ll end up paying the price.
So laugh at the commercials if you want. Just remember, in the end, those companies are going to stick it to you and they’ll be laughing at you when you pay $20 for a six-pack of Busch Light.
Take a look at how much PepsiCo paid in bonuses to their executives last year. Still laughing? If you really want to laugh and save time, just visit www.youtube.com the day after the game. You can watch all the commercials there without sitting through almost 4 hours of over-hyped football. You can even watch YouTube videos while you chomp on chips and swill beer. I know. I’ve done it.
If there is anyone else out there who isn’t taken in by all the hyperbole — you folks in New England and Seattle are excused — you’re welcome to come to my Anti-Super Bowl Party. It starts at 7:00PM. At 8:00PM I’m going to turn on NetFlix and watch 7 straight episodes of “Leave It to Beaver”. Do you remember Eddie Haskell?
I’m having snacks too. You can have your choice of salad or you can choose one of my Lean Cuisine frozen dinners. If you get the munchies, I have pretzel rods and low-fat popcorn. I also have light beer and I think there is some wine left over from Christmas – you can have your choice. I didn’t buy any extra food, munchies or beverages for my Anti-Super Bowl Party. I will eat the stuff I already have. If I run out, you’ll just have to settle for the Beaver on my little 32″ LCD TV. No 92″ plasma TV here. If you’re worried about my food supply – you can bring your own. I have paper plates and plastic forks and spoons.
I have plenty of coffee and water too. So if you get thirsty and the beer and wine are gone, you can have your choice between coffee or water. You won’t go thirsty at my Anti-Super Bowl Party. I might even have a few jelly donuts too. Don’t complain though – when they’re gone, they’re gone – I’d go out and buy more but, remember? Everything is closed at 7 for Super Bowl Sunday. But—don’t come early just for the jelly donuts. I will not answer the door before 7:00PM. I probably won’t be dressed properly until then.
I might decide not to answer the door after 7.
The seven episodes of beaver should be over by 9:45, so you’ll get home in plenty of time to get some sleep so you can get up for work the next morning. We don’t have any “post Beaver” interviews or analysis scheduled although that would be fun. I won’t have any camera crews in the locker room because I don’t have a locker room – we could all crowd into my bedroom but I don’t think so. When the Beavers over, you’ll be expected to leave without delay pr complaint. By 10:00PM I’ll be ready for bed – bleary eyed and sleepy. You can only come to my Anti-Super Bowl party if you promise to leave right after the Beaver is over. We’re not going to sit around and talk or pretend to enjoy each other’s company; I hate small talk almost as much as I hate the Super Bowl – you’ve been warned!
I’ll be hospitable as long as you’re quiet during the Beaver and don’t complain about the food. You can have all you want to drink but if I run out, you’ll either have to leave or go without – oh yeah… the tap water is free — help yourself. It’s the best I can do. We’re counting our pennies around here, and I am not going out to buy a bunch of junk just because you’re coming to my Anti-Super Bowl Party. Bring your own food if you eat a lot. If my party sounds like a great evening to you, you’re my kind of person.
Bring some food and drink… party hearty!