My Anti Super Bowl Party – Watch Leave It to Beaver With Me!

By | January 28, 2015
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Come to My Anti Super Bowl Party

For one brief but ugly moment last week I deserted the cynic inside me. I left the comfort of cynicism intoxicated by the sweet poison of hope. Don’t worry. I’m back in full vigor now. No more rose-colored glasses for me. There is comfort in cynicism. I have my blankie back. I am my old cynical self again.

This Sunday is “Super Bowl Sunday”. I notice that restaurants and some stores in my little town are closing early because of it. I find it odd that Bob Evans, which closed at 8:00PM on Christmas Eve, is closing at 7:00PM on Super Bowl Sunday. The sign on the door says “We will be closing at 7:00 PM on Sunday, February 1, 2014 for the Super Bowl.” The store where I buy my daily newspaper also has a sign on its door. The sign reads: “We will be closing at 8:00 PM on Sunday, February 1, 2015 for the Super Bowl.” That same store closed at 10:00 PM on Christmas Eve. You have to love this.

The USA is spying on its own citizens, leaders of friendly nations, our cell phone calls; we’re involved in two wars and aching to get into another, there are shootings at malls and schools, yet we are all excited about a football game – it’s great to be a cavalier American! You have to admire America’s ability to shrug stuff off and carry on — it must be leftover from our days as members of the British Empire — you know stiff upper lip and carry on…and that sort of thing.
We laugh in the face of hunger and sneer at the sorry state of world affairs —  every grocery store I’ve visited has aisles full of chips, beer, pop and snacks all presented in gala “Super Bowl Party” settings. Festive banners and ribbons and streamers abound. No one would ever guess that the world had a single problem.
It’s Super Bowl Weekend!  What me worry?
Restaurants in my town are closing early, because it seems they think that everyone will be home eating pizza rolls, pizza, sandwiches, and drinking beer? What about me? Or are they using the Super Bowel as an excuse to send employees home early and save a few bucks on their  minimum wage salaries?  I am not going to watch the Super Bowl. I might want to go out to eat after 7 PM or buy a newspaper after 8 PM. I have no choice but to sit home and brood. One thing for sure I will not watch the Super Bowl or care what the score is — or who won.
Do you even remember who won last year?
Whatever network is carrying the game is off the air from 12:00 noon until 12:00 midnight as far as I’m concerned. Did you hear that coverage of the game starts at 12:00 noon Eastern Time? Guess when kickoff is? Kickoff is at 6:28PM. Guess when the game will end? I’m guessing somewhere around 10:30PM. You know they have a lot of high-dollar commercials to squeeze in. Lots of “TV timeouts”. The last time I watched a football game on TV, my beloved Ohio State Buckeyes versus the Oregon Ducks ( I can’t remember which)  in the The National Championship Game (the Bucks crushed the Ducks – Go Bucks!), the commercials were so long I almost forgot what was going on in the game. That was a great game.
But all this hoopla over a football game between two teams from the same league who’ve  played before? The Seattle Seahawks versus the New England Patriots? They both have arrogant coaches who look like they’ve been sucking on lemons. Pete Carroll – Seattle’s coach – has had many Botox treatments though, so his sour puss has been face-lifted by Hollywood’s best. (Don’t sue me, Pete! It’s the truth, I tells ya!)
The Seahawks  usually play in mist and fog and the Patriots play in a cold place where all the fans carry flasks.People are paying hundreds of dollars, even thousands of dollars, for tickets to the Super Bowl. In case you want to go, you can’t –it’s sold out. Companies are paying tens of millions of dollars to advertise during the Super Bowl. People are spending their last dollars on junk food, beer, and soda pop for their “Super Bowl Parties” yet, here in the richest country in the world, millions of kid will go to bed hungry or without a decent place to live. You gotta love our priorities!
We must look like fools to the rest of the world. We have become a bunch of infantile whiners who complain about losing our jobs and our homes while we spend money we supposedly don’t have on potato chips, Fritos, Pepsi, chip dip, Miller Lite, Bud Lite, and other nutritious foods that build strong bellies twelve ways. It’s important to have a Super Bowl Party and sit a around a 92″Super High Definition LCD TV– it’s only $98.00 a month at Chp’s Rent-to-Own– and guzzle alcohol while unabashedly engaging in gluttonous revelry. All because why? Because the Seattle Seahawks from the land of mist and fog are playing the New England Patriots who are coached by the world’s most dour and arrogant man.
All that money wasted. Just think of the number of families that could be fed if just one of the advertisers gave to the poor what one 30-second Super Bowl commercial costs. It doesn’t seem very fair, does it? Tomorrow those same reveler s will be complaining they don’t have they money to pay their mortgages or buy gas for the SUVs – some won’t even have lunch money for their kids. So what? They saw the Stupor Bowl.
Poor kids.Two more things…If you’re one of those people who don’t care about football but are going to watch it for the commercials, let me tell you something.  That’s kind of like not going to church all year long but suddenly showing up at church on Easter Sunday.

And about those commercials…Those commercials cost millions of dollars per minute. Do you think Budweiser, PepsiCo, and the other advertisers are actually paying for those? Really? They’re not, you know. You’re paying for those. Every dollar they spend gets figured into their cost of doing business and when the cost gets too high and their profits get too low they’ll raise the price of their products and you’ll end up paying the price.

So laugh at the commercials if you want. Just remember, in the end, those companies are going to stick it to you and they’ll be laughing at you when you pay $20 for a six-pack of Busch Light.

Take a look at how much PepsiCo paid in bonuses to their executives last year. Still laughing? If you really want to laugh and save time, just visit www.youtube.com the day after the game. You can watch all the commercials there without sitting through almost 4 hours of over-hyped football. You can even watch YouTube videos while you chomp on chips and swill beer. I know. I’ve done it.

If there is anyone else out there who isn’t taken in by all the hyperbole — you folks in New England and Seattle are excused — you’re welcome to come to my Anti-Super Bowl Party. It starts at 7:00PM. At 8:00PM I’m going to turn on NetFlix and watch 7 straight episodes of “Leave It to Beaver”. Do you remember Eddie Haskell?

I’m having snacks too. You can have your choice of salad or you can choose one of my Lean Cuisine frozen dinners. If you get the munchies, I have pretzel rods and low-fat popcorn. I also have light beer and I think there is some wine left over from Christmas – you can have your choice. I didn’t buy any extra food, munchies or beverages for my Anti-Super Bowl Party. I will eat the stuff I already have. If I run out, you’ll just have to settle for the Beaver on my little 32″ LCD TV. No 92″ plasma TV here. If you’re worried about my food supply – you can bring your own. I have paper plates and plastic forks and spoons.

I have plenty of coffee and water too. So if you get thirsty and the beer and wine are gone, you can have your choice between coffee or water. You won’t go thirsty at my Anti-Super Bowl Party. I might even have a few jelly donuts too. Don’t complain though – when they’re gone, they’re gone – I’d go out and buy more but, remember? Everything is closed at 7 for Super Bowl Sunday. But—don’t come early just for the jelly donuts. I will not answer the door before 7:00PM. I probably won’t be dressed properly until then.

I might decide not to answer the door after 7.

The seven episodes of beaver should be over by 9:45, so you’ll get home in plenty of time to get some sleep so you can get up for work the next morning. We don’t have any “post Beaver” interviews or analysis scheduled although that would be fun. I won’t have any camera crews in the locker room because I don’t have a locker room – we could all crowd into my bedroom but I don’t think so.  When the Beavers over, you’ll be expected to leave without delay pr complaint. By 10:00PM I’ll be ready for bed – bleary eyed and sleepy. You can only come to my Anti-Super Bowl party if you promise to leave right after the Beaver is over. We’re not going to sit around and talk or pretend to enjoy each other’s company; I hate small talk almost as much as I hate the Super Bowl – you’ve been warned!

I’ll be hospitable as long as you’re quiet during the Beaver and don’t complain about the food. You can have all you want to drink but if I run out, you’ll either have to leave or go without – oh yeah… the tap water is free — help yourself. It’s the best I can do. We’re counting our pennies around here, and I am not going out to buy a bunch of junk just because you’re coming to my Anti-Super Bowl Party. Bring your own food if you eat a lot. If my party sounds like a great evening to you, you’re my kind of person.

Bring some food and drink… party hearty!

10 thoughts on “My Anti Super Bowl Party – Watch Leave It to Beaver With Me!

  1. MaryAnn Larson

    Thanks for the invite, TC, but I’m having one of my own parties. I love commercial – less tv watching, but would endure Super Bowl ads for the sake of my home team, if they were playing. It is getting to be quite the absurd production, and I can’t stand Brady – – – – so why suffer ? ? ? I will attend church services in the AM, as is my custom and happily ignore the “Stupid Bowl”. Happy Sunday to you !

    Reply
  2. Don Bone

    TC
    We are wintering in Florida and will have a non-bowl evening as well.
    Come on down and join us. How about a game of Dominoes.

    Reply
  3. Don Elias

    I would love to come over for your party but you forgot to tell me where you live. I am planning to bring my own pop (I don’t like beer or wine and water is not much of a thrill.) I will also bring snacks to share in case I prefer something other than your choices.
    I like football but I am disappointed the way the game has been relegated to something quite trivial. Since I have no loyalty to either of the teams, I don’t care who wins.
    In the past, on the day after the “game” I have heard discussions of the wonderful and creative commercials that had been shown and it was then that I realized that I use commercial time to do important things so I never saw any of them.
    I’m not quite as negative as you but I am definitely leaning that way!

    Don

    Reply
  4. Elizabeth Janice

    I’m with you, The Beaver beats football any day of the week. I have never seen a ‘superbowl’ or the commercials and couldn’t care less about either one. In my world, commercials are a time to wash dishes, pet the cat and other essential matters. I am going to donate the money I might have spent on “goodies” to you two terrific people and this fantastic website, and the same to the local animal shelter.

    Enjoy your evening and thank you both for all you have done for us over the years.

    Elizabeth Janice

    Reply
  5. Holly

    I agree with you TC AND get this my state is IN the Super Bowl and they did win it last year. So my state is even going crazier, it’s ridiculous! My husband loves it but not me for I will be doing something else away from the noise! The money thrown away on all this is mind boggling to me!

    Reply
  6. Ken Roberts

    Main line sodas are to expensive and I have found the low cost types are not that bad I can drink them and be satisfied , call me a cheapie all you want I keep my money what little I have on me and in my bank.

    Reply
  7. JoninOz

    Hi TC,
    For many years I have read your “OPT-OUT’ of expensive, go nowhere ‘celebrations’.
    We have similar garbage thrust upon us in Australia, cricket, where a bunch of men hang around in the hot sun waiting for one man to throw a ball at another man holding a wooden stick to try to hit the ball, if he misses, lots of energy wasted for nothind.
    At the same time we have tennis, the wooden stick is replaced by a fishing net, one man hits a ball to try to miss another man who is hoping to hit it back with his fishing net.
    To top it off we have a Grand Final, not a ‘grand final’, it continues on, and on, and on, every year and this is a game called ‘footy’, where the players hold a leather Easter egg, named after a ball for some inexplicable reason, then again, they are Australians…….very handy for footy holding ball to kick between two posts without a top boundary, who knows, it may go to the moon and back, but if the lollipop man behind the posts throws his arms forward with his palm and fingers shaped like a gun, then the kicker receives a loud cacophony of applause from the spectators as though he had just stepped out of a space capsule returning from a moon walk.
    We could go further to comment on a group of men/women trying to hit a tiny ball with a stick to drop in a slightly larger hole, and when they succeed, they try all over again with a different hole in a different mowed field of grass.
    Meanwhile, other unfortunate humans use their talents, skills and intelligence to give themselves, and their families, some food nourishment and try to keep them sheltered in basic, primitive conditions.

    Reply
  8. Robin Busald

    I really enjoyed you Super Bowl story. I don’t enjoy watchimg the game either but my family lives with me and they will be watching it. This 60 year old grandma will be back in her bedroom with the door shut watching a movie on Netflix. I like your idea of watching Leave it To Beaver, maybe I could find that on Netflix too!!

    Reply
  9. Matt G

    Wow. I’ve got a .357 pain reliever cartridge for you and a Smith & Wesson dispenser if things go downhill for you any further. Misery is well, miserable. Too bad you had to share yours with the world. You need to look outside the cave once and a while. Beautiful human activities are going on all around you. Yes, the Superbowl is one of those activities. It brings joy and excitement to hundreds of millions of viewers. Why be such a downer? (You don’t really have to answer that).

    Reply
    1. infoave Post author

      Can you say “tongue-in-cheek”. I’m sorry you have no sense of humor; it must make for a lot of sad and pressure-filled days. The Patriots won 28-24 I believe.

      Reply

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