Shadows
I think everyone has shadows in their past. Some dark corners that don’t look very pretty when the light of day shines upon them.
Maybe I just think everyone has shadows in their pasts because I have so many. Or maybe others have too many too. Or maybe very few really do, but it is comforting to think they do.
It occurs to me that I can’t base my life on what happens to others. It’s true, I think, that we all need to feel that we’re not alone – that others share some of the same things we don’t like about ourselves. But we all bear the consequences of our own actions – and looking for faults and shadows in others is no way to fix the faults in me or shed light on the shadows I’ve buried deep beside the path of my life.
When I was younger I used to think I had an infinite amount of time to fix things that needed to be fixed; that I had plenty of time to repair the bridges I’ve burned, or hurts and pain I’ve cause others.
But no matter what stage of life I was in, I never had an infinite amount of time left. It just seems that way when you are young. As I grow older and see the time in front of me growing shorter and the time behind me stretching endlessly to a horizon that I can barely even see anymore, I realize that I may not have time enough left to scrub away all of those shadows that hide in the dark corners of my past.
Time caught up with me and the shadows still follow me.
So I need to try to find a way, if not to wash away some of these shadows to at least lighten them, I find myself being the same old me and looking for an easy way to do it. That’s why I look for shadows in other people’s lives. At least, I tell myself, if others carry shadows around with them, then I’m not alone.
But, I am alone. We’re all alone. We all come into this world alone and we all leave it alone no matter how many are standing around us at each end of our lives. I can’t erase or, at least lighten, shadows in my own life by finding that others have them too. It just some sort of flaw in me that makes me look for things to make me say – “Hey! I’m not so bad.” But, the shadows remain and the fact remains the time I have left to do anything about them is limited to the time God allows me to reside on this earth.
I know that I’ll never erase all the shadows in my life. I know that even if I had fifty more years left, I couldn’t do it. There are too many that I’ve buried too deep for any light at all to ever fall upon them.
I tell myself tomorrow I’ll start erasing as many as I can. Again I catch myself creating another tiny shadow. Something I’ll feel just a tiny bit guilty about tomorrow. Because, when tomorrow comes, I will put it off again and tomorrow will turn into today and then yesterday and I’ll still be promising myself to start erasing them “tomorrow”. At this rate I’ll be dead before that “tomorrow” ever comes.
I’ll start erasing some of these shadows of my own design today. I catch myself looking for the ones that are the easiest to shine light on – ones that aren’t too embarrassing or too hurtful for me to examine in the light of day.
The same old me, I think to myself. It’s a good thing that no one can really feel what I feel or hear what I am thinking in the those deepest of private thoughts. I think they’d find a mess in me. I am beginning to see more and more that I’m not like anyone else. I used to think this was a good thing. Now I wonder.
I can imagine what others are thinking as I spill my guts in this train-of-consciousness blog or essay or whatever this is.
I’m not too much like you. My shadows are deep and buried and I don’t even know where to start to begin to dig them out and try to at least let a little light fall upon them.
I wish now I would have been more careful in my youth and middle-years to not make such a crazy menagerie of shadows and then bury them deep trying to hide them from others.
Now I have shadows I can feel but cannot see because I’ve spent too many years hiding them from myself.
Shadows are best never made in the first place – and it’s a bit late for me to find that out now.
Once agan TC you have nailed it. But I do not believe that your shadows are as bad as you think from all your poetry and the help you give, I would be forgiving yourself for any things you feel bad about. The past is the past. Future is not looking too good with all the bad in the world. so we must make the future s bright as we can for time we have left – I aint going down stairs so I’ll see up up there!~! I hope.
I think that most people have “shadows” in their lives. When we are young we look at things differently than when we get older and understand our actions more. I also think that most of us don’t mean to hurt others with our words or deeds but that is what makes us human. I was told once that people hurt the ones who love them the most because they feel they will always be forgiven and the person will still love them. I’m not sure that all people are that forgiving. And you are right, TC, that shadows are best never made in the first place. But we also learn a lesson in forgiving those that cast shadows on our lives. We learn to forgive, because we too may need forgiveness.
Well said Barbara – but some people are too arrogant and too full of their own misguided self importance to even know the concept or the understanding of the word “Forgiveness.” And this article appeared many years ago on Cloudeight. Pity the other half doesn’t read, imbibe and digest it. But then again, that person never will admit to ever being in the wrong. You know – “The Know Alls” of this world.
TC, I think a lot of people experience this as we get older. We start feeling guilty about things we’ve done. This verse is what helped me.
Rom 8:1 There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit.
Well, TC, you and I seem to be on the same level at times ! We all do have those things in our past we feel guilty about and some of those things are “things” that even bring a guilty smile to our heart…but life goes on and we can’t live in the past! New horizons are ahead, and onward we must go! Thanks for your sharing your heart.
Don’t be too hard on yourself TC, we have all made mistakes. The question is ……… have we learned from them?
God bless you TC!
Shadows really touched me where it hurts. I did some really stupid things when I was young and have regrets that will never ever leave my mind especially during a time when you wake in the early hours and struggle to go back to sleep. Is there any way to erase those thoughts? I don’t know how to do that especially my teenage misdemeanours which must have caused my parents a lot of grief. These things happened more than 50 years ago and still live with me.
In order for others to like us and believe in us we must first like and believe in ourselves. I should think the same would apply for “shadows”. Forgive yourself for the “shadows” that seem to be haunting you and go on from here and strive to be a good example. I would guess that if other people were involved with any of your “shadows”, that they have forgiven you a long time ago and if they have not then maybe they aren’t worth worrying yourself with. None of us are perfect. All we can do is our very best.