Rainy Day Musings

By | August 12, 2021
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Rainy Day Musings

The sound of rain falling, cascading down the eaves, rushing to be free. The gloomy rainy day provides the perfect backdrop and the perfect soundtrack for a pensive day. A perfect day for quiet and disparate musings.

Sometimes I feel so sad and lost, but I realized today, I cannot even manage to summon up a single tear. I think I have cried all the tears allotted to me in this lifetime. I used to cry freely, so much so I’d walk out of theaters with the tracks of tears still glistening on my cheeks.

Death and tragedy have been my companions throughout my life, and I’ve made some horrible choices that have added a new dimension to the darkness that grows inside.

And the more the darkness grows, the more I withdraw into a world that exists only in the center of my mind; a place where flowers bend in a gentle wind, the sound of children, in their beautiful innocence, echo, and the sun, warm and brilliant, always shines. A place where gentle showers only come when I am sleeping.

Now I go there as often as I can; I go there more often than I should. Someday, perhaps, I will never return from that place, and the world will judge that I have lost my mind, and institutionalize me, and feed me soft foods, give me patronizing words and smiles, and wait for me, the crazy old man, to die.

The older I get, the less I understand the world. I was told when I was younger that the old were wise and the young had so much to learn.  But I’ve found that not to be true. At least not in my world.

We have made this world so complex that not even the smartest know exactly how things work anymore. We have people gambling on our future in the Future’s market, people gambling with our money on Wall Street, people spying on themselves on Facebook and Twitter; governments following our every move, cameras everywhere. We’ve allowed our privacy to be slowly drained away. We’re losing ourselves. We’re becoming a massive automaton, a collective, bees in a hive, all working for an imaginary queen. We are becoming Star Trek’s Borg.

Beauty and talent are rewarded, intellect is derided. By criticizing the smart, the ignorant feel elevated and smarter. Our food is sullied with all manner of substances and artificial things, but it tastes good, so we eat it, and sometimes eating kills us. We follow along like sheep being led to slaughter, yet we open not our mouths for fear of offending someone, or for fear someone will ridicule us.

We have medicine for everything but the things which kill us, diabetes, cancer, strokes. The pharmaceutical companies have made pawns of us all. They play on our need to be part of the collective, by preying on our desire to always feel well. If we’re too sleepy too often, it’s not that we need more sleep, but we have a condition called narcolepsy – and yes, there’s a pill for that.

If we have difficulty paying attention, we might have ADD, and there is medicine for that. If we are getting older and can’t “please our partner”, there’s a pill for that. If our eyelashes aren’t long enough to be considered “sexy”, we have medicine for that. If we have too many wrinkles, we have Botox for that. If we are anxious, tired, irritable, depressed, overly happy, or too fat or too thin, there will be an acronym for it, and a pill or a shot for it.

We have no cure for cancer, and I wonder why. Is there too much money in it? Are hospitals and doctors too dependent on it? And if there were a cure developed, would it be out of the reach for all but the ultra-wealthy? 

More than this, I sadly realized that we have no cure for ignorance, intolerance, greed, stupidity, superficiality, insensitivity, or cruelty. We don’t have a pill for EIS, Excessive Ignorance Syndrome? I think it’s because intelligence has become an undesirable trait in this increasingly bizarre and baffling world. Where is the smart pill? Where is the pill to cure the ignorance and insensitivity of those who see problems only when the problems affect them – or those they love?

In this world of billionaires and excessive wealth, we close our eyes to the millions of children who go each day without enough to eat; we pretend they don’t exist. These children are suffering, not because of what they’ve done, but because of where they were born. And even here, in the wealthiest country on the face of the Earth, children go hungry while the Mercedes and the BMWs and Cadillacs roll by while private jets traverse the sky overhead.

We reward those who are beautiful and talented and ridicule those who are intelligent, thoughtful, insightful, caring, compassionate, and sensitive.

We live in a world where intolerance festers just below the skin because it’s not politically correct to be outwardly intolerant, so we hide it. But it’s still there: prejudice, disdain, and hate are all alive and well. But it’s just not socially acceptable to flaunt them openly.

I am glad I don’t know where the world is headed, but I am glad that I won’t be around to find out. I don’t think I’d like it much. I don’t much like the things I see now.

The Amazon Rainforest is being raped, burned, and pillaged for profit. The polar ice caps are shrinking – and no matter who’s to blame, nature or humankind – it’s happening, and sea levels are rising. Crops are grown, not according to what is most needed, but according to the Futures markets where the wealthy bet on what the price of corn, wheat, and soybeans will be next January.

We walk around with smartphones and tablets so we can feel connected, without realizing that the more connected we are, the more disconnected we become. We are swiftly becoming a collective hive, weaving a honeycomb filled with bittersweet nectar… our reward for our part in the collective.

Someday we’ll have what we have allowed, and it will be what we then deserve. A society of sheep, led to slaughter by the wealthy few and the plutocratic governments who represent them. We will all be gears in the collective cogwheel – spinning and spinning, around and around until we die. And then our children and their children will inherit the world we made — the one we allowed and left as our legacy.

Oscar Wilde once said the definition of a cynic is one who never sees the good qualities in a man, but who never fails to see the bad ones; one who knows the price of everything but the value of nothing.  Every day the world seems more cynical and more full of hate, with less love, less compassion, and less forgiveness.

Privacy is withering away with consent, and with the eagerness of those whose privacy is being ripped away. Individualists, and others who think for themselves, are called nutjobs or weirdos, nerds, or eggheads. The more like everyone else we are, the more accepted we are – and the less we must think for ourselves.

I don’t understand how the world works anymore, and I’m not sure I ever did. I don’t understand it and it makes me sad. But no matter how sad I feel, I can’t seem to summon up a tear – not for myself and not for anyone else either.

I’m losing my compassion and that’s the saddest thing of all.

The only shield I have against the insanity of the world is the world inside my mind — where gentle rivers, pristine and crystalline, flow through untouched fields of lilies, where the sky is always pure and blue, and where the distant sounds of innocence are melodious, soft, and sweet.

The rain is still falling, but now the day has turned to night. And the flashes of lightning and the rumbles of thunder no longer are buried in the gray light of the day.

But I am still here, always here, listening to the rain falling, listening to the clock ticking, while my mind and my life slip away.

2 thoughts on “Rainy Day Musings

  1. Charlyne Craver

    What a beautifully written piece!! My hope is that you are not as down as it sounds like you are. My prayers are for all you folks who are “down in the dumps” and my hopes are that you, and all the others, will find comfort and brightness. Keep writing! I have kept many pages of what you
    write and find great joy in re-reading them. Thank you, Char

    Reply
  2. Philip Reeves

    One of my fellow high school graduates wrote this. I thought you would enjoy it If not please accept my apology. I thought it was along the same ideas expressed in your essay. Ok. Here goes. Don’t know who wrote this but it’s true….
    Today I woke up and as I had my morning coffee, I realized that everything is about to change. No matter how I vote, no matter what I say, something evil has invaded our nation, and our lives are never going to be the same. I have been confused by the hostility of family and friends. I look at people I have known all my life so filled with hate that they will agree with opinions that if they were in their right minds they would never express as their own. It’s absolutely unbelievable. I think that I may well have entered the Twilight Zone…..then I saw this and I think that it’s pretty close to describing how I feel.
    I’m not starting a fight, but it is something to think about. This may open up a ton of outraged comments by some. Many who will argue how “wrong” this post is. My suggestion, save your time and effort! You’re not changing the reality of what we are living by trying to somehow justify this insanity. Nevertheless, I couldn’t resist because we are becoming the Twilight Zone. We have become a nation that has lost its collective mind!
    • Somehow it’s un-American for the census to count how many Americans are in America.
    • Russians influencing our elections are bad, but illegals voting in our elections are good.
    • It was cool for Joe Biden to “blackmail” the President of Ukraine, but it’s an impeachable offense if Donald Trump inquires about it.
    • Twenty is too young to drink a beer, but eighteen is old enough to vote.
    • People who have never owned slaves should pay slavery reparations to people who have never been slaves.
    • Inflammatory rhetoric is outrageous, but harassing people in restaurants is virtuous.
    • People who have never been to college should pay the debts of college students who took out huge loans for their degrees.
    • Immigrants with tuberculosis, Covid and polio are welcome, but you’d better be able to prove your dog is vaccinated.
    • Irish doctors and German engineers who want to immigrate must go through a rigorous vetting process, but any illiterate gang-bangers who jump the southern fence are welcome.
    • $5 billion for border security is too expensive, but $1.5 trillion for “free” health care is not.
    • If you cheat to get into college you go to prison, but if you cheat to get into the country you go to college for free.
    • People who say there is no such thing as gender are demanding a female President.
    • We see other countries going Socialist and collapsing, but it seems like a great plan to us.
    • Some people are held responsible for things that happened before they were born, and other people are not held responsible for what they are doing right now.
    • Criminals are catch-and-released to hurt more people, but stopping them is bad because it’s a violation of THEIR rights.
    • And pointing out all this hypocrisy somehow makes us “racists”?!
    Nothing makes sense anymore, no values, no morals, no civility and people are dying of a Chinese virus, but its racist to refer to it as Chinese even though it began in China. We are clearly living in an upside down world where right is wrong and wrong is right, where moral is immoral and immoral is moral, where good is evil and evil is good, where killing murderers is wrong, but killing innocent babies is right, where darkness is light and light is now darkness.
    Wake up America, the great unsinkable ship Titanic America has hit an iceberg, is taking on water and sinking fast. The choice is yours to make. What will it be? Time is short, make your choice wisely!
    Reposting from a friend because I believe it is true although very sad.

    Reply

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