Give Me a Corona Please!
In the middle of this coronavirus pandemic… OK maybe not the middle of it, who knows, I am sitting here, fearless, drinking a Corona. Well, to be honest, I’m drinking a Corona Light – 2.6 grams of carbohydrates and only 90 calories.
While I am pouring my third beer into my most cherished frosted beer mug, I’m poring over some interesting articles from which I have gleaned a deeper insight into the thought processes of some of my fellow creatures.
Let me be clear, I’m not a genius, but I consider myself reasonably intelligent and I’m taken aback by some of the things people believe. Maybe it’s that some people need to believe something and are, therefore, ready to believe anything that gives them hope. But hope can be a very nebulous and curious thing.
You’d think in times of trouble that common sense would prevail. But I’m sorry to say, many people are gullible and many have gotten rich by feeding on the fear of others. And nothing creates more fear than suggesting that the grim reaper is casting a shadow over our increasingly fragile world. The grim reaper, whose current pseudonym is “the new coronavirus” is causing panic and fear everywhere. And sadly when fear comes knocking at the front door, common sense often retreats through the backdoor.
And before I delve into the meaty part of all this, let me remind you that I am not a doctor of anything. You have, no doubt, already accessed that I’m not a doctor of English, although I do so love to doctor it up. And I’m not a medical doctor. So nothing in this screed should be taken too seriously.
And remember my friends, as FDR once reminded us during times of turmoil that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself. So let’s be cautious and careful, but not fearful.
In my reading today, I learned that many believe that the coronavirus came from a rhinoceros horn. I’m wondering how it got out of the horn and into a human, but that – my friends – paints a very odd picture in my mind on which I’d rather not dwell. I’m quite certain that the coronavirus never called a rhino horn home.
Let me grab an ice-cold Corona, and let’s get on with the show.
Don’t snort (or eat) cocaine. Don’t drink bleach.
You would not think I would even need to tell anyone this would you? But… what would you think if I told you that the cure for the coronavirus is simple – snorting cocaine and/or drinking bleach. I would think that would work very well as doing them together would almost certainly kill you and then, after you are dead even the coronavirus won’t want to have anything to do with you. So while snorting cocaine may not kill you, but if you drank bleach doing it, that would be kind of the nuclear approach. I’m sure it would kill you or else you will wish it did. Either way, coronavirus would not be your biggest concern. My advice? Cocaine is illegal. Bleach is for laundry and disinfecting – not for drinking. If you want to drink something, grab a Corona.
Seaweed does not kill the coronavirus.
Red algae don’t either. One “holistic” healer, Gabriel Cousens, told his followers in a recent email that they should use red algae to prevent and potentially treat the coronavirus, even though no scientist has ever studied the effect of red algae on this virus. It might make a great salad or it may be poisonous…I don’t know. But if you do eat seaweed, you’ll want to wash it down with a cold Corona.
Garlic and sesame seed oil won’t kill the coronavirus.
Garlic is great if you fear vampires, and it’s good for your heart, gut, and other internals, but you’ve got a better chance of catching Dracula walking around your house at noon that you have of garlic killing the coronavirus. Sesame oil might make a great salad dressing and might be the best oil for frying your duck, but I’m sorry to tell you it won’t kill the coronavirus. My advice? Fry your duck with garlic in sesame oil and wash it all down with an ice-cold Corona.
Shooting saltwater up your nose won’t stave off the coronavirus.
While it may help you breathe, snorting saltwater won’t prevent you from contracting the coronavirus. Sad but true. Nor will gargling with garlic water, Listerine, or any other mouthwash. I don’t even recommend snorting Corona beer up your nose, but you could gargle with it, I suppose.
Rolling around in the snow or sitting outside on cold days won’t prevent the coronavirus.
Best uses for snow? Skiing, igloos, snowmen, and keeping your Corona cold. Keeping yourself cold won’t keep you safe from the coronavirus – and honestly neither will an ice-cold bottle of Corona.
Spraying alcohol or chlorine all over your body won’t kill the coronavirus.
Seriously? Have you ever been swimming in a chlorinated pool? Remember how icky you felt when you got out? The chlorine in the pool is (hopefully) seriously diluted. Can you imagine spraying chlorine on your body? I guarantee you that you’ll feel even ickier — and WHO says it’s not good for you. So you don’t need me to tell you the same thing, do you?
As far as alcohol, I think they make rubbing alcohol for rubbing. But you can’t drink that kind. You’d be better off floating on an inflatable raft in a chlorinated pool — all by yourself – sipping on an ice-cold Corona. It won’t keep the coronavirus away, but it sure will make you feel better
Making the world a little bit better…
Sometimes when it seems the world has gone crazy and nothing will ever be the same again, the best thing we can do is make the best of it. I hope reading this has made your day a little better and a little less crazy.
My world is about to get a whole lot better, I’m pouring another ice-cold Corona in a big frosted mug.
Don’t worry, I washed my hands first.