You knew it had to happen. If you’re going to lock someone in your basement, you need to at least feed them well. I’m so sick of eating oats and corn husks and milled gruffin I could …throw up. But no, EB won’t even let me do that. She gives me Castoria. It cures everything from worms to eructation and sour stomach…it promotes sleep. A sleeping TC is a quiet TC.
You don’t believe me, do you? Well it just so happens that EB left her office door open and I herby submit the following items that I found on her desk, as evidence of my continuing mistreatment at the hands of the draconian, EB:
Exhibit 1.
Above: The store where EB buys my feed. Ever tried boiled oil meal? Ask EB.
Exhibit 2.
Above: An ad for Castoria. She figures buying a bottle or two of Castoria is cheaper than calling a doctor or buying lamb chops, iced tea and tomatoes. Yes, it says for infants and children, but I am a child at heart. EB just triples the dose to ease my sagging belly. It promotes digestion. Where the heck would we be without digestion. You can hardly digest this by now, can you? OK. OK. Now you’re all angry with me. What the heck is animal feed and Castoria doing in a computer newsletter?. You don’t think I can tie those things in to computers do you?
Well, doubt me no more…watch this seamless segue…
Everything you used to be able to buy was probably at one time promoted in newspapers. Well, EB is a time traveller — among other things — and she knows how to go back in time and find newspapers from all the way back to the 1890’s — when she was a saloon dancer in Virginia City.
But you don’t need to be a time traveller to read newspapers from the past, I tells ya! Google’s ambitious, albeit now abandoned drive to scan all the newspapers ever printed (yes! really that’s what they wanted to do…) allows you to travel back to the 1890’s and see EB dancing on the bar in Virginia City…or look at Castoria ads or grain elevator ads, or even buy a suit for $10, if you can find the darn store!
If you are the kind of person like TC, who has no life, and you are looking for oodles of interesting, sometimes funny, sometimes nostalgic, and sometimes frightening things to read, then you’ll want to visit http://news.google.com/newspapers
Oh yes, I almost forgot. Allow yourself time… this archive of newspapers past contains over 60 million pages. That’s even more pages than War and Peace. What’s that you say, EB? What is War and Peace? It’s a ponderously long, boring book written by Tolstoy to intentionally bore students out of their minds and turn them away from reading for the rest of their natural lives, thus keeping the masses stupid and easily controllable.
If you find an ad for cheap salmon, would you kindly send it to EB?
(Nice segue, TC! Thank you!)
I love reading your post you are just too dog-gone funny. I tells ya.
How does EB ever put up with ya? I am still ROFL.
Pretty good how you tied the two stories together and helped us to realize you were
not really going off the deep end after all. It’s just the kid in ya and that we should never lose, it keeps all of us young.
Well mister TC if your goal was to make us remember how old we are, well mission accomplished. Naw just picking atcha. But i do remember a lot of this stuff and had to go to the store to buy it. I will be willing to say that there is probably some that is reading this newsletter that remember what a sugar tit is and for those of you that think i have wrote something bad here let me tell you what it is. It was for chest colds in younguns and it was a little white rag with sugar and kerosene or coal oil which ever you prefer and then you would tie a sewing thread around it and give it to your youngun to suck on. I know it even sounds bad to me today but i have used a many one of them. Now this was 100 years ago no wait a minute 75 years ago well anyway it was a while back. TC & EB are something special to a bunch of us out here in the real world so what ever you do don’t change. HogMan