The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures

Despair.com

“…The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures.”

Enough of those smiley faces! Down with those perky people who smile in the face of disaster, laugh at the inequity in the world, and ride their bikes through rain puddles giggling like a hyena. Enough! I tell you.

Are you sick of inspiring aphorisms like:

“You’ve gotta dance like there’s nobody watching,
Love like you’ll never be hurt,
Sing like there’s nobody listening,
And live like it’s heaven on earth.”
— William W. Purkey

Yeah? Me too. EB tries to inspire me all the time with stuff like that. You know – “Put your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel” – while she’s off skiing in some posh resort in the deadlands of Michigan. I think that whole state is deadlands – no offense.

If you’re sick of people trying to get you up off the couch, get you out into the great outdoors and motivate you into doing something other than vegetating, I’ve got a site for you. Tons and tons of antimotivational posters that will give you many weapons with which you can fight back against those smiling loons who drink $10 lattes and ride around on $2000 bicycles (while wearing yellow helmets) listening to Yanni on their iPods on the way to Starbucks for another latte. Yep, I know you can picture those thin, healthy yuppies, with smiling faces and annoyingly rosy cheeks – can’t you? Don’t worry in 200 years, they’ll look exactly like you, I promise. All those hours in the gym, all that healthy eating, all that cosmetic dentistry, all that healthy-living stuff – all for nothing! Nature has a way of balancing things.

I will spare you my own tantalizing tidbits of desperate demotivation – and instead share with you the words of a master demotivator with a Ph.D. – in what, I don’t know.

“Introducing Demotivators® The Original Demotivational Posters

MOTIVATION. Psychology tells us that motivation- true, lasting motivation- can only come from within. Common sense tells us it can’t be manufactured or productized. So how is it that a multi-billion dollar industry thrives through the sale of motivational commodities and services? Because, in our world of instant gratification, people desperately want to believe that there are simple solutions to complex problems. And when desperation has disposable income, market opportunities abound.

AT DESPAIR, INC., we believe motivational products create unrealistic expectations, raising hopes only to dash them. That’s why we created our soul-crushingly depressing Demotivators® designs, so you can skip the delusions that motivational products induce and head straight for the disappointments that follow!

E.L. Kersten, Ph.D.
Founder and COO”

You get the idea. If you’re easily offended please don’t go to this site – you’ll end up being horribly offended by something then lash out at me. I don’t need any more lashes, EB has already lashed me enough – I have more stripes than a zebra.

You get the idea. If you’re easily offended please don’t go to this site – you’ll end up being horribly offended by something then lash out at me. I don’t need any more lashes, EB has already lashed me enough – I have more stripes than a zebra.

“Blame – The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures.”

It’s all your fault, EB!

Look how she treats me! That’s the poster she sent me; her idea of a subtle hint. It hurts I tells ya!

Enough of this tittering. If you want posters that will give you tons of good reasons not to do anything, and instead spend the weekend ensconced in your house, in the dark, snuggled up alone, wrapped in a ratty old blanket, watching reruns of “The Andy Griffith Show”, then you’ll love our site of the week – Despair.com. If you’re a titanium 35-speed bike rider with a yellow bike helmet, and you are one of those who wear those skin tight UnderArmor bike-riding shorts, or if you drink more than one latte a year, don’t bother – nothing can bring you down – you’re already living in a delusional world of instant gratification and simple solutions. Go play on your Facebook account. The rest of you? Follow me into the domain of disconsolate despair. You are gonna love Despair.com .

“Blame – The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures.”

It’s all your fault, EB!